my sky is blue

moving on

2011-07-28T19:24:00.002-04:00

i have a new blog. i might still from time to time write here- but probably not. if you know me or i know you- or i deem you worthy- or you are internet/blog savy then feel free to ask for it- find it (its not hard people) or email me or message me here and i'll tell it to you- it will have lots of the same ol same ol and more of things like the 30 days of truth. and it's going to be in an anonymous format. no more stella and henry and merin- but if you know me you'll get it.

anyway.

to those i love- who read this- cheers!

Where I am from...

2011-07-10T16:46:00.009-04:00

"you have to know where you are from to know where you are going" this quote especially resonated with me as i was reading the brief history about the origination of the poem- 'where i am from', looking over the template of how to make my own.

where i am from is so foreign to me now- the last six months have unfolded into my estrangement from the majority of my childhood family. i have been deeply saddened by this- but that quote- to know where i am from to know where i am going.... it reminded me of how i got where i am. it reminded me why i left, why i changed, my own part or path taken that led to the estrangement to begin with. i no longer am a part of that world- in fact i am quite apart from it. pardon the pun.

a wise, wise woman once said to me, "you can get off the merri-go-round any time you like, you just have to be strong enough to realize that the others will more than likely not get off with you- and you will be the one on the outside because your choice was different. that takes a lot of strength." i will never ever forget that conversation. i got off the merri-go-round. no one else has. and for that i am... possibly more alone, but in a much better place.

I am from small cape cods uniformly lined up in a row, from 7/11 for newports, marlboros, and a slurpy and small town familiarity.

I am from the one bathroom, two bedroom, eat in kitchen where the table is the living beating heart and cutting block of family meals from scratch or scratched knees stinging with bactene in that yellow vinyl polka dot chair

I am from the ivy vines, the rose of sharon, and dogwood branches, the funeral floral arrangements, the catholic church flowers smelling so strong and sweet mixed in with ritual incense.

I am from parades in the square and deep irish pride, from David and Myles' and O'Briens.

I am from the discussion of a subject, chewing on it and rehashing it until the subject itself doesn't even exist anymore- the sensationalized story is what prevails and quick tempers, yelling and fights, long grudges, uncomfortable meetings .

From go find some one to play with, some neighbor must be home and get out of this town, make something more of yourself or stay here and do it all again with your own kids, married to that boy from middle school next to all the same people with their children.

I am from irish catholic tradition, priests and nuns knowing my name and that of all my family- catechism classes and prayer. daily, weekly, hourly prayer, lists of those who were worse off, needed charity, needed healing, my own stolen moments selfish prayers. From carnivals and holy water, genuflections, and reconciliation and god teaching me a lesson for that behavior.

I'm from princeton hospital and new jersey, italy and ireland, lasagna and mashed potatoes.

From the world war II letters to a brother shared with a shipmate from a woman that shipmate would deeply love, the broken heart of a young twenty one year old mother, and the paintings across the picture window in the living room for holidays and happy times.

I am from the freezer door, boxes in the crawl space behind my bedroom walls, newspaper clippings and black and white photographs of a boy whose youth was taken by war to return a man with drive and ambition and hard working mechanic skills and my heart filled with pride of these people who came before me- to put food on my table and clothes on my back with the sweat and broken brow their bodies broken and aging to fast. Hard taught values, beaten into a bare bottom of morality and self sacrifice. Tradition and hand sewn ornaments, pictures framed passed down from great great grandmother, an evening prayer before sleep.

i'm still here

2011-06-27T23:18:00.003-04:00

man- i shut down in january- life has been up and down and all around. and recently there was a very bad crappy part.

anyway i stopped blogging because of folks knowing where i was and what was going on. i got defensive and protective and well, i'm coming back.

so hey there folks- if you still check in on me- i'm still here. and i will be writing about it again!

stella's view

2011-02-01T08:22:00.000-05:00

when you let your four year old play with your iphone while you are driving the family home sometimes you get a pleasant surprise!

RSV

2011-01-30T20:07:00.004-05:00

i haven't been blogging... i have been doing laundry and bathing kids and bleaching toys and airing out the house and not sleeping every chance i get.

merin has rsv.

henry, meag, and i all caught the pukey poopey side of it. and i'm so terribly sorry there is just no other way to describe that at this point. my brain is mush.

merin is still sick. he was in the er last saturday. he was in the ped office this friday and he is currently in bed. sleeping. not hacking and coughing. thank the good lord.

his nose is stuffy- his chest is congesty- and the only time i have seen him happy is splashing me in his lavender bath this afternoon... the only time since last friday NINE days ago.

and so he is cranky- i am cranky- and walt is cranky. and we are tending to make those who cross our paths cranky.

and i missed blogging about our wonderful 5th wedding anniversary. and about merin turning 10 months old. and about the good, the fun, the funny... the life that we had been living before the sick set in.

so i thought i would add a picture of a squealing albeit very sick merin in our bedroom under quarantine on the day that he and henry both puked non stop. this was his ten month birthday.

space

2011-01-13T22:09:00.002-05:00

ah yes i have spaced on blogging.

but i wanted to share that i have been crocheting and knitting and crafting and hanging with my kids- who have been sick of some sort or another as of late.

and i'm focusing on the negative space in my life- i love negative space. the space that is not filled in. the shapes it takes- the art, the gift found in between.

notice your negative space. i'd bet its amazing!

my cup is full

2010-12-29T19:03:00.002-05:00

this evening as i sat down to check my email my cup filled and runneth over.

i had a good day- i spent the day with mamas that i love, and their children that i love, and when i was overwhelmed my good good friends held me up. god i have missed that.

my grandmother was in a fabulous mood- it was nice to have a cheerful conversation with her.

a baby was born- ushering two long time friends of ours into parenthood. and adding another couple of our pre-kids friends into our friends with kids genre. love it! and mama and baby look happy and healthy (via text picture)

and i got an email about a monthly girls night of knitting and crafting with women who i miss dearly. the first two months, the only two that have hosts announced, are already on my calendar. yay me time!

as the year ends- and the grey sky of winter persists. i am taking me back. i am listening to my inner voice. i am filling my cup. and i am re-populating my village that i felt i had lost.

today is good.

and so...

2010-12-26T21:27:00.003-05:00

i don't have any fabulous new downloaded pictures to share tonight- the downloading of cameras will have to wait until tomorrow. at least.

but christmas is over now and we today had a fabulous day of snow and frankly i simply felt like changing the post since the last one was kinda crappy.

our christmas morning was fantabulously wonderful. the kids loved it- so much so it was dreadful to pull them away to go eat christmas dinner with the inlaws. in fact henry went over in his pjs. ha! he said 'if i have to go i'm only wearing shoes.' and so he did.

and today we had the most glorious snowday- six inches at least that we played and played and played in. and a loverly brunch with our neighbors of all kinds of collaborative leftovers and goodies.

and i'm not taking my anti-depressant yet. just because they said it might get worse before it got better and i didn't want to be worse for christmas. although just being over the hump, i feel better!

oh and on a positive note- blogging may just be the passive aggressive note i needed. my brother in law did not touch me in any way- at. all. at christmas dinner. he did however feel the need to bring up an old argument at dinner and pull in my four year old. which i did not take the bait for. BUT i will never, not ever, share a meal with his ass again. so sealed your fate there dude!

and poor henry had explosive diarrhea in the middle of christmas dinner- poor kid had a dairy exposure the night before. which i'm just not sure how to avoid and still function socially. and it really pisses me off. ( not at our hosts... we lurve them. no really... lurve them to pieces) just the whole not being able to successfully monitor every single thing that goes into my children's mouths at a party while hubby plays bass... any tips for that? because explosive diarrhea on christmas oh so not fun.

oh and meri man said he loves the crap out of christmas- the music- the jingle bells- the unwrapping of gifts- the playing with the gifts- especially the cat's gift... he was so full of joy he just squealed and squealed. and the snow, he likes the idea of but since he cannot walk and i didn't want him crawling through snow that stella and henry were having trouble with- he only got to partake while being held.

and so. we are good. very very good tonight. i hope you all are too!

short not sweet

2010-12-20T21:53:00.003-05:00

so- i went to my old midwife group today- i got the dreaded annual and i walked out with a different kind of birth control pill and a prescription for an anti-depressant.

maybe its just that time of year- maybe i do have more on my plate than the average bear. but it has gotten to a point that i cannot carry the weight alone.

i am ok.

i am loved and well supported and i will get better.

better

2010-12-15T19:06:00.003-05:00

i am feeling better- i thought i should share that...

i am, of course, still angry with my hubby's family. the ones i have spoken to about my issues... um don't really care. they gave half asses sorry's and then "so is it your house for christmas this year" whatever.

we are going to have a nice quite christmas here- i am almost 110% ready- apart from the wrapping.

and i got some me time. love love love some me time. and i'm being belligerent about getting more me time. yay me.

hope you all are well too- go get you some me time! call it your christmas gift to yourself!

no fun anymore...

2010-12-11T22:28:00.005-05:00

i am in a really low place right now.

do emotions have muscle memory? or is it my brain subconsciously wired to make late november to mid january suck ass?

i have in my past had some really, really, tragic decembers. so i have absolutely earned every ounce of december funk... but the past two years man- i have really gotten down this time of year.

last year i ended up trying zoloft in january and i hated how it made me feel. that said i didn't give it enough time to build in my system. that and i had decided that i didn't really need to be medicated, i needed a change in my life. in truth its probably a little bit of both.

so today, i feel awful.

the week leading up to today has been awful.

and i'm having a big ol pity party.

i read this daily parenting thing that said recently that family is not dna but who you surround yourself with and boy do i feel that today.

we spent the day with my husband's family- partaking in a holiday tradition of decorating my mother in law's tree and making cookies. but i didn't really get to partake in either as i was having to chase my boys through her glass covered house while my husband was doing "man work" for his folks. and can i just say that i am sick to death of my in law's glass filled house? and sick to death of chasing my kids saying, 'no no no' or some creative form of no to them? because i really really @*$damn am. and my brother in law has a special talent for absolutely making me lose my temper when ever he opens his mouth let alone the fact that i cannot be in the same room as him without him trying to touch me. or his favorite excuse- i was trying to see the baby... never mind that i'm holding said baby right next to my chest that you 'didn't mean to touch' for the 8,000th time. ick. and yes i have talked about this, yelled about this, emailed about this and no, it doesn't do a damn bit of good. and at the end of the day when my niece complimented me on my cookie cutting style for the five minutes that i tried to cut cookies and i said, 'oh thanks, i like to be efficient.' my mother in law got all huffy and said- 'oh aunt kara just isn't any fun.' nice. because i would rather cut to the painting and decorating part? the FUN? i'm no fun? or is it because i don't think that holidays need to start with a bottle being opened. oh and the moment that i walked in the kitchen was to hear my mother in law agreeing with my daughter that my two year old is terrible and terrible to have as a brother. and then the brother in law chimed in that yes he was awful. what kind of character teaching is that?!? no wonder hubby and his brother do not get along- if that is what was modeled for them their whole lives... never mind the fact that henry was devastated about it. ( and yes i did make a giant deal about it right then and there to model kindness and caring for our siblings)

and all this coming off the heels of my 'fun' husband who felt the need to have a little too much fun last week- which the rest of us paid the price for.... to fight with him all week, to fight with him over his family as he conveniently never sees this behavior happening.... to then squeeze his family in today- to make us nap late- to make us miss the actual nuptials at a wedding we had tonight-at which my husband ignored our misbehaving children to the point that someone came and got me about it, while he was having more 'fun.' and then only 'watched' our kids after i yelled at him, nice right? to then ignore me all night.

and so i'm down. but i think i've had my fair shake of crap to get me there... and now what do i do? i do not want this. i do not like this. i am so, so, so, sad.

i don't know that i had a point really- i just had to type it out- i had to share it- i am tired of being quiet.

meri dave

2010-12-06T20:08:00.002-05:00

this is just to document some of the silly things that happen to a boy babe with a big sister... he loves it though!

merin loves to hang out in the window, talk to the neighbors coming and going... bang on the glass... and squeal with delight when the heat/air kicks on and makes his hair flow up in the air!

Edna's christmas cards 2010

2010-12-05T20:18:00.001-05:00

With Love Chartreuse Christmas 5x7 folded card

Get custom photo Christmas cards online at Shutterfly.com.

View the entire collection of cards.

more cowbell....mommy

2010-12-04T20:29:00.003-05:00

henry is a guitar player.

from as long as he could get over to walt's bass and slap the strings, he has.

but from the moment he set eyes on an acoustic guitar he was smitten.

for a while he called his guitar a banjo... and he does still really dig the banjo.

and currently he calls his acoustic guitar a bass... but its all just semantics really.

today was our first two hillbillie parades and henry, of course, brought his guitar.

he saddled up in a burlap sack seat and got all comfy and got ready to play along with the men.

after a few strums he looked at pop pop mike and said,' i need a better pick this money pick doesn't sound good.'

he was strumming and needed better tone- he is two and already complaining about tone.

and so he played some more, swiveled around and said- mommy where is my microphone.

so i gave him a mic stand that was a spare and thought that would do... he is only two....

no- he got a real mic, a real cord ( that walt had to unplug from the sound....so as he wouldn't really be blasted through the system but he thought he was plugged in) and he got a sound check.

after all of that magilla, he settled in and played quite happily for two solid parades.

ahem, henry is a lead guitar player.

and had the ego to go with it already!

zeitgeist

2010-12-02T19:45:00.000-05:00

zeitgeist- is a german word for "spirit of the times"

so i started december off with a funny but so very very true parenting 101- that is the essence of my times right now.

i have three very small kiddos. currently 4 1/2, almost 3 (in feb) and 8 months.

there are food particles everywhere- everything is chaotic- we always yell- we always cuddle- and life is rolling by like a train barreling through the night on a no stops journey across the world.

my spirit walks outside of my body now- my spirit is this family and this house and the noise and the crazy and the over tired and the quiet when all the little heads are on pillows for the night.

i will try to capture these times this month- i will try to show you the spirit that we have here- but there are no words.

parenting 101

2010-12-01T21:16:00.000-05:00

i pulled this off facebook a few weeks ago- i was laughing so hard that i was literally crying tears... and that night it was exactly what i needed. enjoy!

Are you ready to be a parent?
.by Erinn Larsen

Lesson 1: Go to the grocery store. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2: Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their:Methods of discipline. Lack of patience. Appallingly low tolerance levels. Allowing their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3: To discover how the nights will feel. . . Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or s ome other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM. Set the alarm for 3AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45AM. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Lesson 4: Can you stand the mess children make? To find out. . . Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower bed. Then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5: Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson 7: Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

Lesson 8: Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Lesson 9: Repeat everything at least (if not more than) five times.

Lesson 10: Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child (A full- grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 11: Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.

Lesson 12: Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Disney, and Dora the Explorer. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.

Lesson 13: Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.

Lesson 14: Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each "mommy"; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 15: Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy" tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. Lesson 16: Plan a full weeks menu of food. Feed everyone you come into contact with the food you made.Make sure they are well fed. Forget about feeding yourself. Do this every day for a week.

Lesson 17: Go to sleep. Wake every hour to the sound of the "mommy" tape made from Lesson 14, from the goats (see Lesson 10) tugging at your covers or peeing on your bed, or from your own stomach growling (Lesson 16). Do this every night for the first six months. After six months, increase amount of time you make expect to sleep undisturbed to 4 hours, but add in the option of being woken by the stench from the compost (lesson 13). After 1 year, you have graduated and now may get up to 6 hours of sleep at a time.

picture pages, picture pages

2010-11-30T21:20:00.000-05:00

it's the most wonderful time of the year.... right?

well if you are anything like me, its the most busy time of the year. the holiday shopping and the party going and the parades that we are in as hillbillies.... and this year we are actual inducted hillbillies- as in walt is officially a mason and a shriner and now we are ahem, legit. and we have 8 parades? i think. oh, and the craft making, the baking, the card picking out and addressing and mailing. not all easy tasks- but this year i am getting off pretty easy in the card department thanks to shutterfly.

christmas cards are a process here and it all starts for me with the procurement of the coordinating holiday outfits. every year my hubs and i give my mother in law a fancy picture with all of her grandkids all clean and dressed and sparkly. thats five grandkids. all under the age of 7. two of which aren't mine but they are for that weekend. and so i search high and low for five coordinating outfits at an affordable price and then wash and scrub and brush and mousse and gel and paint and younameitidoit thankyouverymuch to those children and we end up with a hallmark worthy family... if only for that brief glimpse of time.

and then we get prints made and frame them and give them to my mother in law. she loves it.

also we usually get cards made- one for us, with our family and our three children as the prominent image, one for my mother in law with all of the aforementioned five smiling lovely grands and one for my bro and sis in law with their two all sparkly.

this is no easy feat. but its something that i am so proud of that i almost want to water mark the pictures saying 'i did this! i did this!' but i don't. so here i am tooting my horn.

now in the past we have tried walmart, and sears, and jcpenney... but as i keep adding leaves to the family tree that picture is harder and harder to get with all the kiddos looking happy. so this year we hired a photographer which really is our only option at this point. and we love love loved it. but that leaves us needing to get creative with the cards.

and this year i am turning to shutterfly for that. my very first christmas with a babe i used snapfish... shutterfly's competitor... but i have found that i like shutterfly better. and to be quite honest its because they have superior layouts. we have a big family. as in just my little family that lives in my house is five folks- we actually have six that live here but my cousin isn't on our christmas cards... i'm sure she is grateful for this... but then on my mother inlaw's card there are five grandkids and if her boys and their wives are on the card then thats four more so nine children from her to fit in a tasteful layout that works well. and well, they have not only one card that can accommodate this but several cards that will! how nice that i have choices! last year when we ourselves only had two kiddos and my two niece and nephew twins it was hard picking a card (cough cough from jcpenney cough) that would highlight all of them without using an image that had all of them in it. they want you to have one big image or only two or three smaller ones. and well my family doesn't fit that mold. ok, ok we don't fit many molds.... but you get my point right?

so shutterfly is the better choice for us and quite possibly for you too! their colors and patterns are adorable- tasteful- classy- and even cheeky if you are looking for that. bold, modern and what have you or traditional and subtle.

they have cards not only for chiristmas, but also other religions and simple winter-scapes which actually my uber christian brother in law usually chooses so as to not offend the folks he is mailing his cards to. and really people the snow flake is quite trendy this year... just look at all that unsolicited mail coming in this time of year- my daughter love love loves to cut out the snowflakes and decorate what have you with it. i'll try to post some pictures of that soon!

so- while i am legitimately gaga for shutterfly and their card options this year. you should know that i am telling you this because i get a free-be out of the deal. but you can too! just click here and sign up and start your creative juices flowing with a free-be too!

and keep an eye out for that awesome shutterfly card that i will pick and scan and post here- it's going to be fantabulous! and yes it will be an entire page of pictures people. gotta get all my babes on and looking their best!

Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

2010-11-30T19:42:00.000-05:00

i don't have some sparkly great pep talk for myself.... and i really do not like these write a letter prompts...

but i know that i am in a good place, i know that i am in the right place for me. i love my little family that i have created and worked hard, damn hard, blood sweat and tears to make this house and this home and this marriage and my children exactly how they are. and i am damn proud of it. go me!

sure i have some things i could work on and some things that could go better but who doesn't.

and i think stewart smalley said it best, " i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and dog goneit people like me."

Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

2010-11-29T20:42:00.000-05:00

more laid back? less neurotic?

more tolerance? less temper losing?

a thicker skin? not so defensive because i won't be so easily hurt?

i think those are my biggest character flaws...

i would like to evolve past them... to be a better person. but if i don't that is ok too- i like me. the good and the bad of me.

Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

2010-11-28T20:41:00.003-05:00

ok, so this is really, really ironic. now that i've picked myself up off the floor.

no, i'm not pregnant. i think.

but i do feel a little bit pregnant today- and its been totally freaking me out.

also- you should know that i am a total nursing mama and when my babes have a mega growth spurt it totally throws me off and i feel a little bit pregnant and i start peeing on all kinds of sticks... except of course for when i think it's a growth spurt and i'm totally pregnant. hrrrm.

so. to explain.

i love love love children- and i love love love my children. and i love love love big crazy families. its the irish catholic in me... i think. and while the rationally thinking side of me says i am done having children- the romantic schloopy ass me says- bring on the babies!

so. in reality- a baby right now would not be great.

walt doesn't have a job- i should add that he does do other things to make money, like the musician thing... he hasn't graduated grad school.... but is supposed to in may. and i don't have benefits, although i could get the state pregnancy coverage again.... because i had it with merin.... because i got pregnant with merin while walt was previously in between jobs and then the contract position that he took didn't have benefits...and we were surprised by merin. as in i took like 5 pregnancy tests to prove to myself that i was in fact pregnant with him. and then hid them, and then showed them to walt after he saw them. sigh. i had just started the pill. ha ha but merin is fabulous so its totally cool that we have him. and it would be totally cool even if he sucked... because, well never mind- you get it right?

and i get really really awfully sick with hyperemesis.... you might want to look back to summer of 09 to read all about those fun bedridden times.... and well, i don't want to get awfully sick again... and i had prolapses and all kinds a crap.

but the crap gets better, or i have a new normal? either way... the romantic in me says- eh, the crap didn't kill me....bring on the babies!

so if i were pregnant- i sooooo wouldn't be the one telling walt's family. they think i'm a crazed breeder as it is. but we'd be happy. babies are great- kids are great- and a job will come- and it will all be ok- and we are totally secure with savings and such.

and if i got someone else pregnant!? now wouldn't that be something. my babes without the trouble of the sick and the crap? where do i sign up?

ps- i'm on the pill...like months and months into being on the pill

Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?

2010-11-27T13:56:00.001-05:00

stella says, ' that its christmas!'

Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

2010-11-26T11:28:00.003-05:00

yes, yes i have thought about giving up on life.

don't worry- not recently. not in years and years. and years.

and the sad part is that the main reason i didn't give up was because i was/am too afraid of death to kill myself. my own death- my spouse's- and my children's scares the bejeezers out of me. other people's deaths i'm pretty darn ok with. no offense. its not that i don't love you all- its just that i grew up with a mortician for a father figure (my poppy) and well, i saw death a lot. so. anyway.

sorry to tangent there...

there were desperately dark days in my life. back when i was a teenager and young adult. there were tragic horrible times that i didn't think i would survive and i thought that my only out might be death.

you do remember earlier posts about my really fucking crappy ass childhood right? it was really from age 11- until i got the hell out of dodge, at 17 and for good around... 22? ish.

and then there were really really depressing days in my previous marriage. when i was told i couldn't have kids. they said i had at best a 2% chance at natural conception. i had a syndrome that was not curable. and when i tried and tried to have kids and never got pregnant and had horrible hormonal times and medicines and therapies and then a husband that cheated on me and treated me like crap. there were days i didn't get out of bed- there were weeks that i didn't get out of bed. and no one came to try to get me out either.

those days. i thought about it. and it was terrible.

but- i never tried it. never ever ever.

and now- i would never- now i have entirely too much to live for! i wouldn't want to miss a single second of my children's lives. i would never want them to be the kids whose mom killed herself. and i would never leave walt. never.

and, if i ever got that depressed again- i'd get help. i am stronger now. i would want to be fixed.

Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

2010-11-25T08:40:00.000-05:00

because my journey is just beginning!

Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

2010-11-24T23:06:00.000-05:00

yeah right- its thanksgiving eve and we are making and baking pies from scratch, making and baking sweet potato casserole, home made cranberry chutney from scratch, making mashed butternut squash, and we will also have broccoli to make tomorrow and mopping and vaccuming and table setting and i just finished purchasing all 5 hensey kid outfits that coordinate and booked my photographer for sunday morning as he is swamped and and and i didn't do this post ahead of time i was going to do it today except that its thanksgiving eve and we are too busy!

i do want to say though that we are loving it- and i got to spend quality time with each of my three kiddos alone today which is extremely rare. and i love them individually. they are such different people then who they are as a pack. or while in the pack? whatever. one on one- such cool little people. glad i get to share these moments with them.

so back to preparing merin's first ever thanksgiving. and yay to hosting the hensey family!!!!

Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.

2010-11-23T20:00:00.000-05:00

first and foremost.... merin is 8 months old today! time goes by so fast with your third child... he is pulling up on everything now and cruising the furniture and he'll tell you when he is hungry or thirsty he says 'mmmmm, yummmmm, mmmmm' and i swear he says da da in the morning when he gets up at 5am and wants to see walt. i'd post a picture but i don't have any on this laptop- mine was not cooperating tonight.

and so- onto the prompt-

something i wish i had done is finish my college degree-

i went to three different schools while working my ass off and supporting myself and being in a bad relationship or really floundering throughout life after high school when i had gone immediately to college.

i failed a bunch of classes in the beginning and i failed some later on...but those were incomplete that turned into failing on my transcript.

i left school a bunch of times because i needed to work more, because i lost my place to live from crazy roommate situations or because i was switching towns, into a better roommate situation.

i had some really great luck and had an amazing job that i ended up having to leave and move back to nj. i think i'll never get over walking away from that one.

and the last time i left school was a mix of things going on- i couldn't afford being in school- i didn't have enough time to work as much as i needed to and do my work and take my classes and so i left and worked full time- then worked for myself and then turned up pregnant with stella and have been a full time mom ever since.

which, by the by, i love.

but the economy has been hard on us- and money can be quite tight- and i find myself wishing that i had a career to fall back on- to help provide for my family. something i felt was worth leaving merin for. i even applied and got into school again, but walt might end up taking a job somewhere else and i don't want to walk away again empty handed. so.

it would have been so much easier had i just done it when i was young. had i had the guidance and the stamina and the support to go through and get my degree. sigh. hind sight is 20/20

and it will all work out eventually. but having that bachelors degree in my back pocket would be really nice right about now.

Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

2010-11-22T19:00:00.000-05:00

i wish i hadn't gotten tattoos....

i am currently getting one removed.

the one i hate the most.

the one that i cannot hide in a bathing suit.

and its freakin expensive.

and it HURTS.

and walt is amazing for supporting me in this.

Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

2010-11-21T20:38:00.001-05:00

um, its my best friend folks.... what i do is go to the hospital, take care of the kids, feed the family, take over the chores, call loved ones, hold her hand....

you name it- they need it- i do it.

duh.

Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.

2010-11-20T19:00:00.000-05:00

can i tell you that i'm tired today? my children like to get up early- and what i mean by early is 5am, 5AM, is there any other way i can emphasize FIVE IN THE MORNING??? and usually my loverly husband gets up with them... all three of them at 5am and lets me have a few hours of peaceful no children in our co-sleeping bed- no one nursing- sleep. ahem. not that i mind the co-sleeping and the nursing, i, in fact, am the one who made that parenting choice- however, i do like our big temperapedic bed to myself in the mornings. anyway my loverly husband had shriners all day today- as in he left at 5:30am- 5:30AM - is the emphasis getting old yet? ha ha anyway that made me have to get up on a saturday and do the morning routine which i might add, i think is ridiculous. if it were up to me there would be way less preparing of stuff and way more eat cheerios out of the box while i lay on the couch.

so i am tired. and it makes me think two things #1 that all i want to write is,

drugs are bad, mmmkay?

but i have more to say on it then that. and while i have some strong opinions on drinking as well, i am currently having a glass of wine... correction... my second glass of wine after my long, long long, in hours alone, day with my children.

oh and my #2 that someday maybe i will sleep and feel like expanding on... drugs and alcohol are equal vices in the hands of folks who use vices. ahem. EQUAL

so thats all you get tonight from me.

Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

2010-11-19T20:40:00.000-05:00

i believe in peace.

i wish more people did-

to me religion and politics are so freakin heated for no good reason. but isn't every aspect of our society heated? we are such separatists. with us or against us. and really thats what the first americans called themselves... there wasn't all this romanticizing about thanksgiving and sharing the harvest- they were the self proclaimed separatists. and here we are thousands of years later still separating ourselves. the new world didn't do anything that was all that new, just gave folks more land to do it on.

i think that everyone should believe what they believe and let others be. if you read the texts to different world religions they are very similar... the stories that are the basis of the religion parallel.

anyway- i believe in god and fate and buddah and the universe and the ultimate goddess... i pray daily- sometimes open prayers- sometimes scripted or verse prayers- i also think that we are predestined and what is meant to happen will and and ....and.

and i pay attention to politics mildly- that is enough to know who the candidates are and what party i align with more or less. but i don't argue about it- and i vote. i always, always vote. and if there is a smaller race, where i don't know much about the candidates, i vote according to gender, race, or ethnicity. its a little game i play- walt giggles about this- but i think we have too many white men in politics and too many conservative white women so i always vote for folks who are not in those categories to hopefully shake up the system.

Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.

2010-11-18T10:50:00.000-05:00

i think that love is an amazing gift.

i think that being lucky enough to share the love that you have with another person who loves you back just as much is truly rare. especially in this current society where folks take each other and relationships for granted entirely too much.

i think that two people committing to each other, and really meaning that. the good, the bad, the ugly or whatever your vows may have been. and really working toward a lifetime together or shared goals, shared happiness and shared pain. growing either together or separately alongside one another. is quite a feat. and something to be revered.

i think that if the person who you share this wonderful amazing gift- this love- this lifetime of commitment and work- has the same genitalia as you do....so what?

who am i or really who are you to decide how and when someone can love? and how they should live their life and really who they can or cannot have on their insurance policy. because really folks thats the meat and potatoes of it. legally married couples can share in the paperwork of their lives, bank accounts, insurance, bills etc. folks who are just co-living cannot. and isn't that the difference here? because most of the homosexual folks i know are living together "married" without the benefits... just plain silly. and really if your religious views are against it, isn't it their own personal choice to make before the god that they worship?

no judgement here....

Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

2010-11-17T19:30:00.001-05:00

i haven't read many books since i have had children-

it's not because i no longer read, i do...

and it's not because i don't have the time, i do...

its just that at the end of the day i either knit or do something with my hands...

or i use that time to reconnect with walt and tidy up from the day.

also, i feel like reading a book is a solitary activity and so i don't read while my kids are around unless i am reading TO them and again, at night i'd rather do other things.

what i have read, however, are tons of birth, parenting, and breast feeding books. as i've mentioned before i am a la leche league leader and i have done all of the doula reading as well.

i read mothering magazine and i used to read new beginnings when they were still in print. i read online new and upcoming studies for health and wellness and natural lifestyles. i read news and newspaper articles. and i read blogs! i like little blurbs- i can steal a few minutes to read an article or something and not have to commit time- like i have to with a book

if i had to pick a book that most altered my current life i'd have to say it was omnivore's dilemma, to be honest, i didn't read the whole thing. i think walt did- and we watched the corresponding documentaries.

we had already changed our food choices to accommodate food allergies in our children-thank goodness- and also to just be more healthy with our choices for the little growing people in our home. but learning about food, where it comes from, how its processed, and the impact it has on our planet as well as our bodies. well- it definitely changed how i purchase food and foods that i simply will no longer buy. ever. not even for temper tantrums in the food store. or begging. or holidays. etc.

read it- its a good book. and you should care about what you put into your body. i won't soap box about it....

Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.

2010-11-16T20:43:00.002-05:00

a list:

in grown toe nails

food allergies

hairs that grow in places i do not like

hyperemesis ( and no i do not currently have it)

menstral cycles

prolapses

varicosities

dog cancer- or really any cancer

this economy and the recurrent jobless state of several important people in my life.

day 16

2010-11-16T08:53:00.001-05:00

i interrupt your regularly scheduled program for a very important blog post.

happy birthday walt.

i love you.

i love our life together.

and the rest you know- or you can go back to the 16th of november years past to read something a little more schloopy.

i hope your day is all that you could want it to be!

Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

2010-11-15T08:53:00.000-05:00

what i cannot live without is space.

however, small it may be, however i can carve it out in the day i need white space. i need quiet. i need time with no one touching me, no one talking to me. time where i may as well be invisible.

it is in that space that i recharge my batteries. where i find my peace and the strength to continue on with my day or my week or sometimes the next few minutes... which if you have multiple small children you might empathize with, sometimes life very much is minute by minute.

so thats what i need.... space.

Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)

2010-11-14T08:52:00.001-05:00

dear......

i thought you were invincible. i thought that the values that you taught me and the knowledge that you imparted on me were the same things with which you crafted the fiber of your life. i thought that you had moral standards. i thought you lived a noble and honest life. i thought you were going to protect me, to guide me as i navigated new territory. i thought you would be my right hand as i grew- my biggest cheerleader- my support. i thought so many wonderful things about you.

i was wrong. you are none of that.

Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

2010-11-13T08:52:00.002-05:00

this is weird for me too- my husband is a musician and while he loves loves loves the love from fans.... ahem... i do not.

well, thats not fair- i do love them- i just don't like talking with them about how much they love my hubby and how he is on their pedestal for greatness.... etc. etc.

and so i don't think that i would ever write a letter to a band.

i know all too well that they are just people- regular people who eat cheerios for breakfast and bunch up their socks in the laundry, even when that really, really pisses off their wives aka sock finder and laundry unroller.

i actually have had people tell me, 'oh you are so lucky to be married to bippity blah d blah...' and yes that is what i am calling my hubby these days... bippity blah d blah.....

and i'm all, ' um ok yeah i think so too'

to get 'i mean he is SUCH a GREAT bass player.... squeaky squeal. you must listen to him play ALL. THE. TIME. squeaky squeak.'

and on and on and on and while yes he is a great bass player, and yes i listen to him all. the. time. have you ever listened to just bass lines? can you say bom bom bom bom ... bom bom bom oh and its 1,4,5 in G

yeah fun times. he's still human, he still sucks, and he STILL balls up his socks.

so all that said- i love him and i love music. this post does have a point and a prompt right? and i listen to it all the time.

i have play lists for happy and sad and kids and what i like to call 'cool kids' and i'm happy to share some of my favs with you all. but there isn't one band that 'got me through' something.

nor would i write them if there was....

so my list....

barefoot manner

acoustic manner (separately from bfm)

moonshine still

the beatles

the grateful dead

phish

keller williams

peter gabriel

the police

string cheese incident

the pogues

ben folds five

reindeer selection

george harrison ( separately from the beatles)

john lennon (separately from the beatles)

willie nelson

and

willie and waylon

bob marley

bob dylan

tracy chapman

blues traveler

ac/dc

the band

aerosmith

pearl jam

dr john

the cars

the cure

Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.

2010-11-12T20:52:00.000-05:00

this is a weird question- i thought about it and played around with it in my head for days now... and really i have no earthly idea what to say. i had a really witty blog all mapped out about 3 hours ago- in my head- and now its nite and i'm tired and mommy brain had kicked in and well,

i got nuttin

i'm well liked

i'm well respected

and i'm sufficiently praised about the things i'm good at.

maybe its because i live out loud. everyone knows what i'm good at. i do it for them. i do it with them. and then they say- wow you are good at that.

i have really supportive people in my life.

and because you know you miss seeing my lovely children....merin got his first haircut today- just an inch off the back- to rid him of the baby mullet. he looks sooo much older now. something about sniping the uneven locks just ages them. but he was quite pleased with himself- the before and after are backwards... so see here after-- then before!

above after- below before

Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on

2010-11-11T08:51:00.000-05:00

i get the most compliments on my crafts and art work.

honestly, i some times take it for granted. i grew up in an artsy household and an artistic extended family. my grandmother used to paint giant murals that corresponded to the holiday on the picture window of our living room. her sister, owned a ceramics business that i grew up in and worked at. their other sister sewed and did cross stitch to make money into her retirement. i spent countless hours in my life with both of these aunts. my grandmother's brothers both could draw just about anything you asked them to. one of which was an artist for a living.

here are a few of things i have done. some for myself, some as gifts, some as custom orders...

stella's room above and stella's nursery in our old home below

some ceramics

kitchen angel

a moveable mural for baby ada

the quilt i made based on walt, and on top of it a zebra fleece tied blanket i made for stella

a hat and infinity scarf i made for our babysitter for christmas

a hat and booties for baby niko

a shawl for baby marley

suggie dolls, above for oliver

the original suggie for stella and below is camille's

a travel felt car track, a friend of mine took this and made slots in hers to fit matchbox cars...fun!

paintings.... and below a copy painting that another artist did, but this is my painting.

Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

2010-11-10T19:20:00.000-05:00

hrm.

that is pronounced (her-mmm)

its what i say when i'm thinking.

there are people i could talk about here. people who annoy me or i'm mad at or who really i could do without.

but.

what i really believe is that everything happens for a reason. that i wouldn't be where i am today had my life's path not taken me on the very exact path it did. there have been places i didn't like, there have been times that i felt like, as my grandfather would put it 'god was looking through the wrong end of the telescope' because he thought that my shoulders were bigger than they are. that i could handle all that was on my plate. but, i did handle everything on my plate. i grew from it. and i ended up here.

right exactly where i am, right exactly where i am meant to be, doing exactly what i should be doing.

and i like it here.

Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

2010-11-09T08:50:00.001-05:00

parenting is funny business.

i've found that my 'mom friends' come and go as our paths change.

some of those friendships drifted by my choice, others by theirs. and it wasn't dramatic. there is no animosity about it. it just happens.

in the beginning i made friends who were pregnant when i was. but as parenting choices emerged or even for some, birth choices, the divides started happening. so my first mom friends, those i made at healthy moms work out classes, faded and my next group of friends came in.

i chose to breast feed my babes and i attended la leche league meetings regularly. and from there i had a really strong group of moms all with baby's around the same age who were my absolute rocks for stella's entire first year. some of them went back to work full time, while others moved away-we live near nc state university and people moving away as their degrees complete or their projects end happens more than i'm comfortable with. in fact, i almost have a rule- no more friends associated with the university. too much trouble getting all close to folks who leave. ( and for you who have left- you know how much i love you dearly)

and now as our kids are reaching school age the divides are on the horizon again. it scares me honestly, and i worry too much about it.

and the girl/boy thing is starting to rear its ugly head. not friendship altering yet though- and thank god because i think i would fall over dead if i had to give up my mom friends with boys, as most of them have boys.

my point is- that in the last five years i have made and lost more close friends than any other time period in my life. and also oddly enough its been a gentle process. in other times in my life losing a friend involved drama. or some big happening. now its just that their path has changed and so they turn left and i turn right and thats ok. and when we see each other again we are happy and kind and then go on our ways again.

to all my mom friends who have come and go- you are all in my heart- and certainly in my screen saver of scrolling pictures. thank you for being a part of the journey.

Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

2010-11-08T08:50:00.007-05:00

someone who made my life hell or treated me like shit...

these negative prompts are a little hard. mostly because i like to flow forward, pick up your boot straps and all... and because i don't want to give these terrible people the time or space. but if i must.

it would be my ex best friend.

she dumped me cold. i still to this day have no real idea why. she gave me a weird vague explanation. her now husband, boyfriend at the time, gave a different reason. and honestly i don't believe either reason. neither was worth completely cutting someone out of your life over.

what i didn't realize is that she was pretty shitty to me when we were friends too. she is the kind of person who likes to help keep you down so that she can be there for you. she is the kind of person who will keep you up all night needing to talk but then shame you for sleeping through your alarm and your classes or your part time job. i made her look better- feel better- i was a mess and she was not. and she helped me enough but not enough to fix the mess that i was in when she could have. and a real friend would have. in the end a real friend did.

i know her skeletons. and she knows mine.

in the end she said she just didn't have anymore to give. i guess she gave a lot. she was there for me during my terrible marriage to my ex. she took me in endless times and handed me a pack of cigarettes to smoke with her all night long. and food to eat. and clothes to wear. but i was there for her too- when she was bawling her eyes out for being cheated on. and for when he did it again. and again. and to give her a place to get away from her family when i had my own place and she didn't. and to listen when she was trying to date someone new. and get rid of her awful ex. and for her awful cousin when she needed a place to go after her abortion. and i kept my mouth shut about it.

but when i got my strength and left my horrible abusive ex, she left me too. my life was messy and fast and chaotic and i was finally getting on my own two feet. on my own. stable. and she dumped me. when i didn't need her apartment to hide in anymore.

her boyfriend said she felt betrayed. for what i have no earthly idea. i certainly never told any of her secrets. i still haven't- except for the cheating part in the paragraph above. oh and the cousin's abortion but frankly i don't care about that now.

i ran into her boyfriend when he was her fiance. he spoke to me. he said i looked good. and happy. i was. and he seemed genuinely surprised by that.

maybe they both only ever saw me as the sad, broke, depressed, 20 something who had a really really bad marriage and no real family to turn to.

and that night he saw me. with all my power and all of my joy. and was surprised.

and when she dumped me it hurt. i cried more tears for her than i did for my ex husband. it was the worst possible time in my life. but it only fueled my want to be stable and happy and better. it helped me heal as it deeply cut my heart.

walt encouraged me to try and try again to talk to her. to work it out. but she wouldn't give me the chance.

we have one mutual friend- who i have asked to not talk to me about her anymore. it's too weird. its too much. and on facebook there are a couple folks we both have on our friend lists. but there is no contact.

it still hurts. and it is something i certainly have learned from.

and it is something that i will get over.

Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.

2010-11-07T15:01:00.000-05:00

in a word, walt.

when walt and i started dating i was a sad and depressed divorcee. hell, i wasn't even divorced. i was separated. my ex was the kind of guy who was emotionally abusive, had an addictive personality ( as in tended to have drug/alcohol/video games problems) and was in general not really worth a shit. couldn't do a damn thing for his self. and had me convinced that i wasn't worth a shit either. big surprise.

but walt had been my friend for years and years at this point. he knew where i was coming from and saw that i had no idea where i was going. i was in quite the self destructive downward spiral and he saved me. and he flattered me. he flirted with me and he loved me and he turned my world around in so many ways in such little time. walt, darn near worships me. he treats me like a goddess. he is not perfect- he has his dumb guy moments for sure, but he is a really, really good husband.

he helped me find myself and helped empower me again and then he married me and gave me three of the most wonderful children on the planet. and he works his ass off to give me the ability to be home with my children or to be wherever i might want to be- like at a massage or yoga or getting a horrible tattoo removed from my body! (my birthday and christmas gift this year)

walt and those children are why i get out of bed in the morning. they are what keep me going. they are what makes me know that i will never ever be suicidal or waste any more time laying in bed with the covers over my head wishing for a better life. i have that life i wished for. even with its ups and downs, i am one incredibly lucky woman. and i know it.

walt has made my life worth living.

Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.

2010-11-06T10:42:00.000-04:00

this one is easy.

i hope i never ever ever have to bury one of my children.

never ever.

i don't think i could cope with that loss.

i think i would keel over and die too.

Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.

2010-11-05T15:58:00.002-04:00

someday i hope to use my passport. isn't that totally sad?

i've never been anywhere that required me to use it.

i've been all over america. i've been to islands, like the bahamas a few times. i've even been to canada but when i went they didn't require a passport and frankly, i don't know if they require one now.

i've made plans to go places that needed one. but, obviously that fell through. even stella has a passport- again with the plans.

so. there ya have it- i want to use my passport!!!

Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.

2010-11-04T11:00:00.000-04:00

oi vey.

its always the mothers.

i have to forgive my mother in law for mothering me.

that is pretty darn ridiculous isn't it?

i am so - i don't need you thankyouverymuch- that i think i harsh her sometimes when she is reaching out. and then she can be snarky at times when i'm not doing what she expected i would.

and then i yell at walt.

it is his mother after all.

and then i hold onto it- and really she is a nice person. she does her absolute best by us. and then i get all as walt would put it, 'and another damn thing' where i rant on and on about all the things his family has done that made me mad.

and really i should just accept graciously that they love us and are doing their best by us.

and so, i need to forgive my mother in law for all the little things that she does that upset me. that make me feel cornered, or judged, or well mothered. the things she does that i see as butting in and she sees as helping. she really does have the best intentions. and if i keep telling myself that....i will forgive her.

Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for

2010-11-03T15:41:00.004-04:00

something i have to forgive myself for.... hmmmmm

as cliche as this will sound, i think i have to go with mom guilt. i need to forgive myself for not always being the parent i want to.

at heart i want to homeschool or unschool or something like that and instead in a moment of postpartum overwhelmed with my 2 year old and 6 month old and i was over my in-laws house they suggested i start stella at montessori. and i caved and said ok. and she went. and really she loves it most of the time. but any time something happens that is not the best possible situation i regret that choice and beat myself up for it all. day. long.

i beat myself up for having had postpartum at all after henry that i didn't truly recognize until merin was born and i realized when i felt so damn good just how bad i had felt.

i out-sourced a lot of the parenting of henry and he has a lot of less than desirable traits from it. or maybe its just his personality but i like to blame myself for his aggression, for his permanent lumps on his head as a toddler that left calcifications that you can still feel right this second, for him having had stitches already because i wasn't there when he was injured, and for him having slammed his tooth back up into his gums falling down the stairs where i had left the baby gate open. all things that i would never ever have let happen to stella. and i don't let happen to merin.

and then there is the fact that i pulled away from stella because i was trying to parent henry and deal with myself and my guilt and my struggle to parent two kids in my uber attachment and extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering way. and i let her go to neighbors houses and wander around and i got lax on my supervision of her and some life altering things happened with a child playing dr ( it was horrific and i'll leave it at that)

and i lose my temper and yell and scream and show my ass and talk in ways that i absolutely do not want to talk to my kids. i show them behaviors that i do not want them to learn. some of which they have. and when they show them then i again beat myself up for it- when i know it could just be human nature.

anyway, i blame all that on myself and i need to give myself a break. it may just be their own journeys to follow. and i can't change the past- i can only learn from it and get better and be better and i can't protect my kids from everything all the time. even if i did homeschool them. even if i was always with them.

i think all in all i am a normal mother- who does the best she can with what she has at any given moment. and when i'm feeling good i know that- i just need to remember to not beat myself up so bad. my kids are great and they are happy and so many folks love them and compliment us on them. i need to remember that and hug my inner self.

Day 02 Something you love about yourself.

2010-11-02T14:19:00.003-04:00

ahhh something i love about myself. what a breath of fresh air after yesterdays um, tragic post?

what i really love the most about myself is my spontaneity. i have always been a 'jump on board' kind of gal. i've never been afraid of new adventures, i've never waffled around about things. i just do it. and i usually have a fabulous time!

i guess its that i have a spirit for adventure. i like new people and new things. when my hubby and i were just friends i used to hop in his band van for weekends of fun all the time. and i got to see a lot of great new cities that way.

i traveled 3000 miles one summer with another good friend of mine on a whim.

i have no problem moving or having kids or having more kids ; ) or rearranging life. i just up and do it all spur of the moment! conversely when i have too long to think about a decision i get very anxious about it and second guess it and its this long drawn out ridiculous process... so i find its much better decide things as they come and just go for it! my life has always been extremely rich and fun because of it!

so there ya go- i love my spontaneous spirit!

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.

2010-11-01T10:51:00.007-04:00

ok.

so i warned you all that this month might be um... interesting with all this truth. and there is nothing like ripping the band aid off and being raw.... ahem.

something i hate about myself.

this is not a cop out- read it to fruition, it really is about me.

what i hate about myself is my past. i hate that my mother is crazy. and when i say crazy i know that this is a totally un p.c. term. she is really mentally ill. really really. i hate the life i lived because of it. so, really i promise this IS about me.

i spent most of my childhood in my grandparents house because my mother is bat shit crazy. and yes she lived there too for a big part of that time. i don't know her diagnosis- what i do know is that she is unmedicated and not in therapy and not doing a god damn thing to change. and i grew up in a very tiny northern town that my family has lived in since my grandparents were newly weds... and before that they lived only a hop skip and a jump away. like less than an hour. so. my ENTIRE family, for the most part, is right there in nj. living with or in spite of my bat shit crazy mother. and contrary to what they say in public- a lot of them don't like dealing with her illness either.

i cannot think of one single person who doesn't have something to say against her. i cannot think of one single person who i know who hasn't seen her "lose it." and i cannot think of one single person who didn't think 'poor little kara so-and-so'

eventually there was court and custody and more court and more custody and then i grew up and moved 500 miles away. that is not be accident folks. i wanted to be so far away that no one knew who i was or where i was from or my god damn bat shit crazy mother, and yes i just like typing bat shit crazy.

one of her favorite rants is whether or not people think or say she is crazy. i think this is because she knows. somewhere inside of her bizarre and delusional world she knows the truth. though most of our family dances around this issue. i do not. and i do not hesitate to tell her why i no longer have her in my life. even though she continually tries, until i blocked her she almost monthly friend requested me on facebook. she somehow thinks we are in a fight or something. that there is something i will get over and then welcome her into my family and to be the grandmother of my children.

i will not do this.

i have suffered enough abuse over my lifetime for a lifetime and i do not plan on having my children witness this or feel the need to question me based on some lie that my mother told them. which happens very, very often. in fact one of the main reasons i stopped associating with her was because i was tired of the calls from other family members questioning whether or not i had done or said something that my mother had told them. its really hard defending yourself against her stories over and over and there being doubt from the people you love. but it was the center of a lot of arguments until i stopped talking to her and then folks knew that there was no way in which i could have said or done the latest tail from my mother.

oh and her lies are grand- they can be negative and positive. she will make up ginger bread encrusted christmases that lifetime movies could rival. and she can tell whoppers like she hasn't been able to afford food since january. in 2005. she currently is a cashier at home depot in nj and because of the smallness of our town and the access that facebook provides to said folks i know that she talks about me and my kids as if she saw them yesterday. its ridiculous. this infuriates me. people will tell me, 'oh your mother told me this...' um really? she doesn't know.... but then some of my family members who i cannot cut out of my life tell her about my kids and i. they include her. in fact we just got back from nj and my mother was at the house we were going to for our dinner for the first night. and not one single adult in the house would take responsibility for having her over and we refused to go in and have dinner with her- upon which she had a temper tantrum and left. i would have talked to her given the chance to remind her that if she wanted to get help then i would be happy to try to talk to her again. because i have tried. and tried again. and tried again. and again. and again.

but what's this gotta do with me? except for the fact that i am eternally tied to her through my family and that small stupid town? well, that no one lets me just be me. because my mother is crazy any time i show a negative emotion eye brows raise... is kara crazy too? every time i have a fear or a 'crazy' thought EVERYONE wonders if i'm crazy too. i'm not. i've been tested. i've been assessed and well, i might be a lil crazy... but more in a normal way. as in, everyone has a lil crazy here and there. but i'm not crazy. like. that. like she could be institutionalized if only she would try to hurt herself or a living person physically not just emotionally. and yes i would be first in life to get her committed and yes she actually did hurt me physically too as a child. we won't go there.

but what's worse is that I don't trust myself. or anyone else. not even my husband- whom i trust more than anyone else in the entire world. i wonder all the time if i'll become crazy. if folks will want me to be institutionalized or medicated and be afraid to tell me. if i'll scar my kids by losing my temper or being irrational one day. if i passed on crazy to my children. and, AND, some of the bizarre things my mother says and thinks have made their mark on me. some of her paranoia's creep up. like the one where i think my husband is cheating on me any time i don't know where he is. that one is right from her, i'll spare you the details. and no, my hubby, bless his heart is not and will never ever cheat on me.

so there- what i hate about myself is that no one gives me the benefit of the doubt. no one who knows. they always wonder if i'm going to be like that. I always wonder if i'm like that. and walt always tells me that i'm normal. that normal people feel what i feel or get angry like i do or whatever too. and i often sensor what i should have said or how i should have reacted because i'm afraid its wrong. because it will be crazy. i hate her. i hate what she did to me. and i HATE that i cannot change it no matter how much therapy i go through.

*interesting side bar- i wrote this a few days early and after i wrote this- the next night i was accused of being crazy. randomly by someone who doesn't know. i just found it very very ironic.

halloween through the years....

2010-10-31T15:02:00.008-04:00

2010 jesse and bullseye

family shot 2010 and you may notice that henry changed his mind for actual halloween and in stead of his original buzz lightyear that was then king arthur he instead went out as darth vader

2010 walt was the farmer from shawn the sheep ( note the yellow shirt and the dickies farmer jacket)

2010 bo peep and merin as shawn the sheep

2010 old meag as old gregg

see my baby skeleton?

2009 family picture walt was a construction worker and i was a pregnant skeleton, with a skeleton fetus

2009 and on actual halloween stella changed her mind and was a bride after all

2009 strawberry shortcake and monkey george

my little butterfly fairy princess, walt was a jedi but i can't find a good picture of him

2008 henry was a bear- stella and i were butterfly fairy princesses

2007 a man who lost his eye, the eye ball, and a rubber duck

2006 two prize winning farmers and their giant chile pepper

pumpkin pickin

2010-10-29T22:31:00.007-04:00

NaBlaPoMo ....?

2010-10-28T20:45:00.004-04:00

ok so its almost blog every day month- and my good pal marty has posted a meme for the month of november- its 30 days of truths.... and well i think its inspiring. i often don't live my truths because i am trying to fit in or not get thrown out rather and i always always always want to be more true to myself. and i often rant about it, at home, in the comfort of my hubby's arms. love that man! but now i will rant about it on here! no not really- i might share some gushy stuff too- but there will be thirty- THIRTY- days of sharing. so sit back- get some popcorn and get ready to know me better.

i also might pop in with a mommy blog of fabulous pictures here and there too. of course you all will want to see the thanksgiving outfits right?

and then of course i will do my best to blog through christmas too- i always like the extra challenge. and then in january i will surely be angry and surly and hate hate hate so many folks and so much stuff that i had to do. then again maybe this year will be different. maybe i will learn to say no- and more people will hate hate hate me! ha!

and for the purpose of remembering what the heck i signed up to do... and incase you want to join me-here is the list of truths, oh and comment here so i can be sure to watch your posts too!

****************************
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

ooo la la a beauty day

2010-10-27T16:43:00.009-04:00

i know that i am loved. for my birthday this year stella wanted to re-create her favorite fancy nancy book, where nancy does a spa day for her mother before a big date.

we had just gotten back ( very late) from a big nj trip so i must say how extra impressed i was with my family's birthday efforts- i haven't had a better birthday

the kids got up early to make me some birthday breakfast brownies as i had already had cake in nj and my neighbors suprised me with muffins upon my arrival home from said trip

even merin had some brownie- and boy did he love it!

this is the before picture

stella had hand picked rose petals that were strewn about the deck- our rose bushes are now only green... ha ha but it was worth it!

a warm fizzy foot bath

some hair glitter

a lotion goodness leg massage

a facial

henry added a leaf to make it extra special

stella wanted to try the foot bath too

and henry couldn't be left out

getting a massage on my arms while the face mask works its wonder

pedicure and polish

a warm wet cloth to soften the face mask

henry gave my legs a 'glitter gloss treatment'

the mask was complete...

henry made sure to take some time to do his make up as mine was getting done... my guy loves to sparkle!

you might want to enlarge this photo to see the massive amounts of hot pink lip gloss.... lets just say that i had to blot.

all dolled up and ready for my lunch date with the family!!!

meet king arthur

2010-10-26T08:25:00.002-04:00

henry has become obsessed with king arthur- with the story of sword in the stone- and will often tell you, "i am a knight"

here he was trying on his knight armor for the first time and trying out his excalibur sword

cutness

2010-10-12T20:28:00.003-04:00

henry as a "knight" according to him... : )

three kiddos swing

merin's first time in the bucket swing

stella found a friend

itsy bitsy spider
at least at the end of the day... i have these adorable little people to make me smile. hope they make you smile too!

here i go again...

2010-10-07T20:51:00.003-04:00

thats right folks- no cute pictures here today.

really i'm on the fence. i go back and forth between what folks stereotype as mommy blogging- the virtual scrap book- the stuff i'm cool with my husband's uncle tommy seeing and then the blogging i intended to do- the online journal where i get to say stuff how i want to, when i want to in my, MY space. and lately i'm leaning further towards the 'i'm going to say what i want to and so sorry to my husband's uncles and my distant cousins and' well, really who knows? they might agree with me. and even when i venture into uncharted territory of sharing what i think, no one "un friends" me from facebook and isn't that what its really about?

and, AND, can i point out that when i did recently post a mommy blogger post, not that there is a damn thing wrong with said mommy bloggers, but... when i did that recently i got a snarky response about how i make my costumes whenever possible rather than stick on a package deal. snarky.

grrrr.

so what am i fired up about this time? parenting. living life. ya know the nutz and bolts of my existence.

i parent on purpose. i attachment parent. i intentionally parent. and feel free here to google those buzz terms to see just how crazy i am.... how i parent and when i parent.( not that i don't have bad days and yell and scream and jump around too... because we all do)

i cloister my children. i have them at a ridiculously schmoopy and expensive private school and not because we are rich and snooty like that....because boy is it apparent who is and who is not at that school. we are definitely the eccentric minority there- which i struggle with daily- because i am not like them. and i don't want to be like them. but i want to not feel like i'm in a high school cafeteria at drop off.

and i want to homeschool. no, i want to unschool and stella wants to go to school. sigh. and so does henry. they LOVE it there. but they love it there because its a really, really damn good school. anyway they are there because it is not in the mainstream hoopla of loving some sponge bob square pants and ridicule and mockery- then again i wish that some of the parents would adapt that montessori lifestyle too- grace and courtesy are part of the curriculum folks not the mean ol what have you- and wearing character clothing is frowned upon.

but it too has its short comings as an institution only can. like the fact that my daughter refused to go to school on wednesday, and again that said it wasn't like i needed much convincing, but she wouldn't go because the music teacher hurt her feelings. and then henry attacked said music teacher this morning all king arthur style- that is a post in and of itself- and i had to apologize for henry's behavior when all he was doing was avenging his sister. but we don't live in medieval times.

oi vey.

so my daughter's side of the story is that she simply was stating that she didn't want to partner with a child she was called to partner with . now i know stella and she may have been quite rude. and i have met the child. and i know why stella doesn't like her. stella, you see, is 45 stuck in a 4 year old body. and the not partnered child is 3 going on "baby" as stella calls it. sigh. but stella said, mama i was only being honest. and well, i think honesty is the best policy however rude it may seem. and she was sat out of music for it. and well, while i love the music teacher, we don't believe in her being sat out of anything. and certainly not at the price of tuition. and when i mentioned it to one of her teachers today- they said, oh you know that happened when my so and so was little, she cried three days- stella will get over it. and yes she will- but that doesn't take it away.

and so - now i'm all back on my i want to unschool band wagon- and i want to be there to coach my kids through life and advocate for them in sticky situations that i had to do some reactive parenting to and really, if we didn't live here in raleigh, where my beloved husband's family all lives, and where said magical school of wonderment is- i would homeschool. i wouldn't enroll them somewhere else. now isn't that something to chew on.

and it all comes back to parenting intentionally which i completely tangent-ed from, we talk specific ways to our kids, positively. we don't label them or call them names. we don't box them in. and we don't control them. and lately i have been smacked in the face with these words or statements or boxes and it is really getting to me. REALLY GETTING TO ME.

so many people just live blindly- going about their business, mainstream american. on my street, in my neighborhood, and in our families. and we do our best to respectfully educate. but when do i get to draw that line and say enough is enough?

ramblings

2010-10-05T20:56:00.003-04:00

so we have been busy busy busy= and when i say this i picture that repugnant little magician in frosty the snow man. maybe because it is finally fall here in north carolina and we have the house decked out for halloween and to me this is a hop, skip, and a jump away from christmas.

maybe its because this is the season of decorations. or it is in my house. once fall hits the fall decorations come out. the yarn pumpkins that we made last year, the pipe cleaner pumpkins the year before. the scarecrow that my grandmother sent me in my first apartment to help the place feel festive. and boy did it need it. and then - on october first out come the spiders and the ceramics that either i or my family has made, the dracula's in the caskets that were made for my grandfather's 70th birthday. the ghosts that dance around my jar candle on the stove. the big spider web that wraps all around my doorway from the living room to the dining room. but then the halloween decorations fade away into thanksgiving ones and then those are quickly replaced my the christmas decorations and then its christmas- onto the recovery from said holiday and its henry's birthday and then this year right after that it will be merin's first birthday. and just as i fit all that into a sentence that is how it feels in my head. that. close. together.

not to mention this is when i weed out all the summer plants from the flower beds. they are mostly dead by now and looking ragged and we go on our annual hunt for bizarre bugs that live in said plants and boy do we have a ton. crazy jumpy things like cricket bugs or furry and large and slightly aggressive caterpillars. and spiders of all varieties- in fact i would say we are swarming with spiders. of those i've looked up mostly non-poisonous if you don't count the ridiculously poisonous black widow families we have uprooted.

its time for me to buy the mums.

i am a planner- i like my ducks all in a row- all neatly side by side, facing the same direction and ordered if possible by style etc. you get my point. and this year what i want to do for christmas is take my kids to disney. stella is just dying to go to magic kingdom. dying. and friends and acquaintances have started to go. and while its so fake. and so expensive. and so... disney. i am hankering for that magic. sigh. and poor walt is so BUSY. he is working and in grad school and in mason's classes and looking for a real job with benefits and in a band or two at times and and and. and, i want to whisk him away during winter break to disney. and if we do we need to book it now. and what really bothers me about the whole damn thing is that its what i want to give to the kids for christmas- i have the idea all planned out- and i always have their gifts all planned and half bought by now and i can't think past disney to think up anything else that i want to do or that they want or need. they are THAT obsessed. i think i just need to figure out a disney budget and do it. i think i also need to not be stressing about it tonight when we haven't even gotten passed halloween.

but that is where my head is tonight = oh and how to get meag her car bought, her license, and signed up for school while gently guiding her and not pushing her but pushing her through in a non motherly to a not so much a teenager any more but she still is.... but really just grateful that that is on my mind because she is hear living with us helping me with all my kiddos while walt is busy busy busy.

and i meet so many moms around here raising families on their own while daddy is out of town working all week long and those moms don't even get night times and breakfast with them. how do they do it? i feel like a whirl wind in my life these days. my friends can only listen to a few days of life before they get dizzy.

off to veg. on the couch. i will turn off my mind- maybe i'll finish knitting the final arm on merin's romper-

a sewing machine and one afternoon

2010-09-28T20:38:00.004-04:00

so, stella wants to be jesse from toy story for halloween...and i couldn't stand the idea of buying her one of those $20 unitards from the costume stores- frankly i never like buying costumes from a costume place... that look like costumes.

so recently i acquired a bunch of hand-me-downs from my sister in law. and her and her family are church goers and so we get a ton of button down shirts and the like. and i thought BINGO! a jesse shirt, and for free no less. i stitch picked off the pocket and i went up into the attic, into my stash of fabrics and such and pulled out some felt to make the decoration on our jesse shirt. i didn't measure and get all specific- i just pinned it over stella and trimmed and then stitched it up and then the felt to the shirt in a few places to keep it there.

the pants i happened to get a sheet of white felt from my good friend marty that was left over from her christmas stockings and so i cut leg shape measuring from a pair of stella's jeans and then took black felt- made cow spots- and then lined the pants in black and sewed some ribbons to the top to tie them on and on each leg to attach to stella's legs. it was a quick afternoon sew.

and it was worth every minute- because i have the happiest little cowgirl on the planet now!!! i actually had to ask her not to wear the costume 24/7 so it will keep till halloween.

now all we need are some cowgirl boots and a red hat!

and of course henry insisted on getting one of those unitard costumes a few months ago as buzz lightyear- i did however hem it bc he bought a size 4/6 and he is much smaller- so i did quite a bit of sewing on his too!

stay tuned for our costumes and merin's

wordless wednesday

2010-09-22T10:49:00.004-04:00

3 days of firsts.....

2010-09-20T11:12:00.002-04:00

the first day of dance for the year. last year stella took tumble and twirl, now that she is 4 it is two separate classes. she takes beginning acro and theatrical ballet. henry has also started some class! while stella is in acro henry takes creative movement. he LOVES that he gets to go to class too- that he has his own dance bag- and his own dance outfit. and on friday's while stella is in ballet with her gal pals from last year- henry and merin get to hang out with the other little brothers in a super fun playdate!

stella's first day of ch v as a four year old. henry had started school the day before stella and she actually was allowed to stay for an hour on that day as she had asked her teachers so nicely to let her stay... but i didn't take pictures of her as i didn't know that she was going to charm her way into school a day early. my kids really, really love that place!

henry's first day of toddler 4- this is his second year in school and he couldn't wait to get to go back. he wanted to be really 'fancy' for his first day so he picked out a party shirt and had already put on corresponding blue eye shadow before i could get to him.... he was so proud though that i left, "my pretty eyes!" his teachers are cool with whatever so they didn't harsh his style either! love it!

you also might notice his fireman rain boots- the forecast had warned us of rain and so the first few days of school were quite rainy and at msr they go out no matter what the weather and it was a three person, four target, mad dash to find a new pair of rain boots for henry in time for school as he had outgrown his ones from last year.

merin 5 months old

2010-09-19T10:59:00.003-04:00

later this week my little man will be 6 months old... and i never even posted his 5th month. life has been so super busy since school started and meag moved in and we have been steamrolling ahead. so here are some cute shots of my meri man at 5 months old and some of one of his bffs ryan.

this guy is always laughing- i was trying to get him to take his hand out of his mouth so i could get a good picture of him smiling but he just laughed at me and stuck it back in faster each time.

his whole 5 month photo shoot i was trying to highlight his sitting abilities... this month's shoot should prove much harder as he is now crawling as super fast as he can.

henry and merin play together ALL THE TIME

mer and ryan having a play date

stella groovin

2010-09-12T20:23:00.005-04:00

sometimes we listen to music while we eat dinner- stella one night felt moved by the music and i caught it on tape- she had been telling us how it was important to follow the music and move how it sounds. of course, there was some butting in by henry the ever present little brother, but would it be a genuine stella video if her side kick weren't there??? enjoy!

i've been tagged

2010-09-02T20:52:00.005-04:00

so.

my friend melissa has a wonderful blog about her life and mostly really about her spoiled chickens... and she tagged me in a lil game... weren't these at one time called mimis? who remembers? anyway i like to play and especially since my last post was um... crap.... here's some sugar to go on it!

1. what is your favorite flavor of ice cream? hmmmm, back when i ate dairy, my favorite flavor was sweet creme at cold stone... and i mixed what ever suited me that day-- which was always lots and lots of stuff. and while my reasons are different than melissa's we both no longer eat traditional ice cream. and really i miss the whole going out to an ice cream shop about it... but as far as my vegan choices go... i love the coconut milk ice cream by so delicious, in either raspberry or the chocolate peanut butter kind. and really now i love to go out and eat my face full of loco pops, a local popsicle place.

2. what is the worst job you have ever had? selling art out the back of my car ties with working for a crazy egyptian man who liked to scream at everyone in a food place where you would call in your order and get it delivered. he was just damn abusive!

3. what is the best vacation you have ever taken? gosh i don't know- it would have to be one of the times i hoped in the van to go on a weekend tour with walt...like the savannah/charleston weekend or maybe the atlantic beach vacation where we admitted to being very very into each other. that for sure was the best vacation moment ever.

4. what is your dream job/career? being a mom, now only if it paid money. maybe doing some art on the side. wait that is what i do! now only if that made money too. sigh. its on the to do list.

5. who was your favorite teacher and why? ok so melissa has the better answer here. i think my favorite teacher was ms. bianco because she made me feel normal.

and now to tag three other bloggers....marty because she is a serious blogger, emily because she is thoughtful, and christie just to pick on her for not blogging enough

blah blah blah

2010-09-01T21:35:00.004-04:00

so- i have had so many thoughts bubbling around lately and i haven't had the energy to post them. (three kids, hubby never home) not only that but i have so many adorable pictures to share as well. and well, uploading pictures has been ridiculous lately as my laptop likes to jump offline A LOT. and so i have to start the whole process again.

i have started acupuncture- its to fix my uterus which prolapsed and to fix my rectocele which also happened during merin's pregnancy- and damn it i'm sharing my down stairs mixup like it or not. so many women have these kinds of things going on- especially if they, like me, have had three 9 lb babes- or more and its like a damn secret. why? pregnancy is hard on a body- maybe not the first time but the subsequent times. especially if you nurse and then get pregnant and then nurse and then get pregnant. because you never give your body a break. not that i'm saying i would do anything differently because i wouldn't. but there are consequences.

and as usual i haven't been sharing because i've been kind of pissed off- sigh. the acupuncture is to help that too- i just have such grand expectations and then i get let down and then i get furious. especially when i feel like i have held up my part of the deal- like you know, helping you out while your husband was in grad school except now no one has time to help me out... and walt is gone 4, yes FOUR nights a week. and all day during the work week. and i'm a solo mama during the waking hours of my children. and yes i am having quite the pity party about this.

and so. here is sit in all my angry judgement.

it makes me want to be a worse person. because i give and i give and i give... and i get a lot of shit in the end. and now i am trying to figure out where i want to be... what i want to do... and how to work it all out.

and tonight i felt like venting about it.

documentation for posterity

2010-08-22T21:25:00.009-04:00

so much happened in july. so much happened over the summer. the summer that is now officially over as my kids started school today. and at the montessori school that they go to they go 5 days a week and they take dance and acrobatics. and so onto the never ending schedule of the school year i hurl myself and my family with joy and with tears, as it is sometimes quite hard for a mama to let her kids go. while i know this isn't their first year of preschool for either of them it never gets any easier for me. i love them so so much and enjoy the lazy days of summer... but boy do they love school- so much so that stella squoze in an hour today with her charm when she was supposed to start tomorrow. and i haven't been blogging because i've been feeling like i should post what happened- the stuff i missed posting before i move on and post what is happening now. so without further ado- here are some photos of stella's birthday and birthday party. and really they are not in order but i don't want to stall any longer by ordering them.

stella and i as folks were singing happy birthday, her party was at our neighborhood pool- and my pictures of this event are um, weird so this is all you get

henry diving for dive sticks ( and yes he can swim under water and yes he is only 2)

merin catching a nap

stella's castle cake that did not want to cooperate and become a fabulous castle... it took three sets of hands and saving at midnight to make this cake....

stella loved it- especially polly pocket princess stella at the door!

stella looking quite very actually four on her actual very real four year old birthday

a sick stella with her 'nice ascot' barbie on her actual very four year old birthday

the quick cake that i made the sick sick stella to cheer her up about having changed plans for her birthday

stella and henry opening gifts from the nj fam and us on her actual birthday

merin's baptism

2010-08-12T20:14:00.005-04:00

so- now that august is almost half way over.... i might as well catch up on what we did in july...

i honestly don't feel bad for not getting to blog because, frankly, that means that i am too busy living to have time to upload my life- but tonight in a quiet moment that time has found me....

we did exactly what we did two years ago, we had stella's birthday and a baptism, only two years ago it was henry's... this family blowout weekend was as fun as the last- we had some nj folks in town and walt's band played, and stella turned four and merin was baptized.

we had forgotten the camera and so were trying to capture the moment on a cell phone that kept dying and then another cell phone so stella and henry were DONE posing for pictures by the time we actually were able to take one. plus they had just sat through an entire mass... and the energy was overtaking them! anyway for posterity sake- our favorite pastor, pastor barrick aka sheila as i'm not big on the pastor so and so ness, me and walt, henry, stella in the bottom corner, and merin's godparents his great aunt cindy and great uncle jon. my aunt and uncle.

merin and his god parents

and merin was pooped after all that god and blessing- thankfully aunt laura let me eat and him nap

he transfered nicely to his sling laid out on the floor

merin finally met aunt becky, walt's mom's bff

and for giggle sake- i thought i would show you all how henry spent his baptismal luncheon... like brother like brother- too much god wears a baby out!

happy world breast feeding week

2010-08-04T22:13:00.006-04:00

so i think i might have shared this video before, its an oldie but goldie and its too stinkin cute- i've been looking back at old videos, trying to remember the kids at different ages- when you are raising three small wonders the details tend to blur together. but stella at two, my goodness she was just so adorable. not that she isn't adorable now... at 4... because she totally is. anyway- in honor of world breast feeding week i wanted to post some nursing stuff- and this video- adorable. it is of stella nursing elmo- my kids have all been breastfed. that is something that i find extremely important and its a value that i desperately want to pass onto my children. nursing, thankfully, has always come easy to me. honestly i think that was because i went to la leche league meetings as a pregnant mom and saw and learned how and what it looked like long before i ever had to try it. then i also had a doula who was a leader and wonderful midwives who got me started on the right foot, or really the right breast.

so humor me here where i take you through a few more snapshots of my nursing life as a mom. i hope that you have this kind of bond, love, joy, health, oh i could go on for hours- in your family!

this is the first picture ever taken of me nursing. i remember asking walt specifically to take this photo- my family was in town and i was naively trying to fill stella up before going out to dinner with both of our families... i no longer try this.... but the photos that were always snapping of our first born babe and the first great grandchild on my side of the family always stopped when a boob came out and so i specifically said, walt can you take a picture of me nursing stella? it was such an important part of my mothering, and i think she was about four or five days old here, and i wanted it documented. i didn't know that i would have more babies and way more nursing pictures... ha ha those who know me well know that my mothering and nursing has been well documented and viewed! but this picture is so precious to me as it was my first nursing shot- and i still can remember how proud i was of walt for being willing to share in this moment with me and to mark it down in our history!

this is the first time i tandem nursed- again a shot i said, walt quick get the camera. stella and henry are only 19months apart and stella had nursed through my pregnancy and this birth was the first and only night that she had spent separated from us, as soon as she saw me she jumped in my lap and started to nurse and this was that minute. even before she officially met henry!

and that is how my days and weeks and months continued- with two small babes at home i spent a lot. no A LOT of time on the couch nursing. it was the only chance i had to sit down. and that was the only way i got them both to sleep at the same time. my skills at getting kids to sleep have improved...sort of. but boy is there nothing better than a breast milk coma!

this is a completely 100% non staged photo. walt found stella and i both nursing our babes and reading magazines one evening. i honestly hadn't even realized what she was doing until walt told me. i knew she was sitting with me but i was enjoying the quiet and the magazine time... looks like my modeling has paid off... for suggie anyway.

and here are stella and henry checking out merin nursing the first night he was on the outside. henry had weaned pretty early into my pregnancy so it was quite some time since they had seen some up close nursing... especially from their mom... with their new little brother. now, of course, it is old hat to them.

as you can see i no longer have an audience when i nurse merin. in fact they are so used to me saying will you all calm down so merin can focus on nursing that if they see a boob come out- they usually chill out or go nuts and try harder to distract him! ha ha poor third kid!

and if you are wondering about tandem nursing- it creates an unbreakable bond between siblings- while they have moved onto smoothies they still like to get their nourishment from me, with me, and together!

tell me some things you love about nursing!!! happy world breast feeding week!

wait a minute, this is the LAST day of July!?

2010-07-31T16:36:00.001-04:00

ok so wow. july came and went so 'super very fast' as henry would put it and i took so many pictures and had so many things to write about and where are they? on my hard drive... filed away nice and neat. what's a mom of three who is busy busy busy living this amazingly photographed life to do to catch up? post lots and lots of posts? post a list of what we did with one choice picture of each as the header? or ramble and cop to not getting to share the pictures?
well i don't like any of those ideas- but as i sit here nursing merin with my laptop on my lap being overwhelmed with the multitude of things i want to upload... and planning world breastfeeding week because- yeah i forgot to mention that starts tomorrow and i decided to celebrate it this year- with boobie cupcakes and a boobie crocheted hat or two ( bc mary jayne wants one too) in honor of a cartoon that we love.... and freezer paper stencil shirts.
not to mention the two giant totes of clothing that needs to be gone through sitting in the boys room because said nursing babe had the nerve to grow again and i need to re-arrange his closet and drawers with bigger clothes again.....
and i really should shower today.
and while i shower i think about the book i am writing, which at this point is mostly in my head.
oof.
so yeah however lame it is- this is all you get- something better and to catch you all up later... i promise!

4 years old....

2010-07-17T13:49:00.004-04:00

when she says this please picture the snl character played by molly shannon who can kick and dance and kick who is 50 years old. because this is how stella says ' 4 years old'

four years old has been a must get to destination to her for quite some time now- and it probably is my fault.

i have been saying she was almost four since henry turned two. this is because when you tell someone that your kids are two and three they give you a weird look- which leads to questioning my choices and defense of said choices-- and well its just easier to say 0, 2, and 4....

but that is not at all what this post is about...

its about STELLA IS FOUR YEARS OLD!!!!

which also means that i have been a mother for four years... and all three of my wonderful children are still alive and actually pretty cool little people and so i think i'm doing a decent job.

but really four. years. old. and quite the little diva. yesterday her and i went on a girls afternoon, i got my hair cut while she watched eating lollipops and she got her first mani/pedi which she LOVED!!!

she has asked me fifteen times at least today if we could go do that again.

and as i am typing this (the day before her birthday the 17th) she keeps asking me for labor updates... as she likes to hear about where i was in her labor with her on this day as i spent the entire 17th in labor with her...

my little woman is honoring her birth. how freaking amazing is that!? i am so incredibly amazed by her daily. she is smart- like scary smart. and witty. and creative. no CREATIVE. and challenging. and sassy. and fancy. and i could go on. but i think i'll just leave it at that i am amazingly lucky to have been blessed with this little girl 4 years ago. i am so happy that stella chose us as her parents and that we get to share in her life everyday.

happy birthday my precious daughter- for you i am eternally grateful.

ok- so i just read what i wrote above to stella and she said i should add some more stuff... so here is her dictation

a post of her own....

"how wonderful yours children are. you guys, how wonderful you guys are parents, and how you guys take good care of us and how you guys and and you guys are wonderful. you guys, like give us everything we want if you say no and yes. you love us and how good you are. you guys look so beautiful. mommy and daddy- thanks. now can i get up and see the words? oh and about me turning four- its really good to have mommy's present for me ( the girls day) i love mommy and daddy thanks for taking me on a girls day yesterday because that was really fabulous and really really fabulous to have that day- because you are wonderful parents. i like to be a four year old who loves her family. how wonderful you all think of me for giving me ham sandwiches with mayonnaise on them."

stella says....

2010-07-07T16:54:00.003-04:00

we just had a fabulous day with friends and are now quite tired, a tired that a mama likes to see in her kiddos at 5pm. and so to keep this level from getting to overtired and to we are going to make dinner-bath-bed hell for you i have them happily planted in front of the tv.

yeah yeah i know- its terrible, but in the afternoons a good movie is really better for all of us. and we are currently OBSESSED with toy story- and who can blame them what with all the paraphernalia out and about with the new toy story in theaters- which yes we went to see - and yes we loved it- even when we were terrified of the trash scene.

and so i have toy story one on VHS. yep i said it VHS. we still have our original VHS from back when we were kiddos and thanks to my in-laws who get rid of nothing. at. all. ever.- we have a VHS player. so anyway they watched one on VHS ( no commercials) and we have one and two DVR-ed from ABC Family-- read here tons of commercials.

and right now- as i type we are watching two because daddy will be home soon and i didn't want to get all into something else 20 min before he got home and so on came two once one was over....and because i am being lazy and catching up on the blogs i read and facebook and now posting they are watching the commercials that i don't feel like fast forwarding....

and so stella just said, "excuse me mommy, what are we?"

me, ' what do you mean?' and i muted the commercials to fully flush out this line of question likely to be an interesting brain working discussion coming...

her, ' well, what are we?'

me, ' um, lots of things... what are you asking about what did you see on tv?'

her, ' well, i mean what brand are we?'

me, ' chuckle chuckle... we don't have a brand what do you mean?'

her,' all the toys have brands and i just saw a people with a brand.'

me, ' where did you see this?'

her, ' well, there was this lady who shops and dresses people for tv and she likes all the name brands and so she said she was a maxinista... what are we?'

me, ' ohhhhh she shops at tj maxx and is a maxinista... that would make us thrifty.'

her, 'see mama every body has a brand! we are thrifty!!!!'

brilliant.

henry

2010-07-04T16:39:00.004-04:00

henry is the sweetest, most sensitive little guy i know.
if you know henry only mildly then you disagree with me, this is because when henry is feeling challenged or threatened or overwhelmed or shy he expresses that with aggression and loud, loud, "super very loud" in his own description, growls and talking.
this can be very hard to deal with. it can be embarrassing. and it makes me apologize to almost everyone i know about his behavior towards their children. i am tired or apologizing for henry.
i really would love him to just be accepted loud and rough and all. no mothers apologize for their kids whiny-ness, or clingy-ness or for whatever their kids character flaw is and boy do they all have them. but because henry's is so outspoken i find myself getting looks.
you know those looks.
and AND i really think that restaurants need a kid free zone or kid accepted zone. ya know like 'you are probably going to have to eat your meal or sip your wine next to a rambunctious family and you may not grimace or say a little to loudly your opinion of such family'. that mother is doing the best she can do.
ok so this post is going places i didn't intend it to- but man o man why can't we all just smile and move on in our own little worlds? is it that i have three kids that make those uppity we chose not to procreate couples glare at me and grumble behind us at the food store? or was i just so damn oblivious when i had two kids? because having merin doesn't make our brood any different that before we had him. he is pretty quiet. or is it just that this summer i have been more places with all three of them? anyway. just a rant.

what i really wanted to talk about was the new acceptance i have come to with henry. i have lately found myself being very frustrated with him because every time he gets something new- he absolutely destroys it in a day. IN ONE DAY. it's gone or in pieces and i'm all mad that i spent money on something to not last more than ONE DAY. but i am over the frustration with this- and the frustration with henry which by the by has opened up a new frontier in our relationship. henry likes to destroy his toys- it doesn't make him upset. it doesn't make him upset when they are gone either. for him the joy is in the destruction. he loves to take things apart- see how they work, what they are made of. sometimes he puts them back together- sometimes he turns them into new things. and the intensity with which he works on these projects is amazing. i finally slowed down enough to watch him dismantle his brand new foam hammer the other day. and i saw - i finally saw henry in a different light. i saw the curiosity and the intensity and the learning.
and i think henry saw me seeing him. really seeing him in that moment of wonderment.
it was truly beautiful and amazing.
what a gift to have received. the new perspective on my ever growing and ever changing son.
a little boy with whom i am desperately in love!

father's day

2010-06-30T08:59:00.001-04:00

we'll use any excuse to make a cake....

wawa and g-mom came over...

happy father's day to the best daddy in the world- these kiddos love and look up to you everyday!!!!

5th annual race for the cure

2010-06-29T08:58:00.001-04:00

this was merin's first 5k as he is the only one to not have done it in my belly... just the timing of his pregnancy!

stella and henry weren't feeling the pictures

merin did don some pink socks as i gave away all of our pink clothing.... oops!

stella actually walked a bunch of it this year, her first time ever walking some! she says next year she will do the whole thing- i hope to help her "train" for her goal!!!

oh and merin, of course, pulled out his favorite hand me down pink paci

this is the pic of going up hillsborough st that we always take.... this is the biggest race on the east coast? something crazy like that- we are proud to participate every year.... this year there were 25,000 racers registered!!!

we always race in memory of walt's grandmom, sarah mckinnon hensey, and my family friend from growing up janet weeks, and in celebration of my cousin patty mitchell.

i personally watched janet battle the cancer, win, and to face the challenge again and eventually pass on from the battle. it was the single most terrible thing i have witnessed. i hope to find a cure before my daughter has a chance to get this terrible cancer.

if you want to donate- go to my facebook page and click on the komen button to donate!!! every penny counts!!! thanks

3 months old

2010-06-28T10:57:00.003-04:00

oh my goodness can you BELIEVE that merin is three, THREE months old!? time flies- there should be a better saying, a better word... but my baby brain ie mama bear of little or no brain at all has left me high and dry- look at all these other sayings i can pull from thin air- but something to appropriately describe how fast this tiny little life is moving... cricket cricket. but you all get my point right? he is such a happy baby- no really- REALLY. he is not at all demanding. he is patient... he is kind... he is so smiley and loves every bit of attention his siblings pour all over him. really. every. bit. of attention that anyone pours all over him!!! ok ok i know i'm a gushing mother but really he has been a dream come true- i am head over heals in love with this babe. as is the rest of the family. not saying that stella and henry don't rock your socks off too- but for a three month old merin has some serious personality. he has big plans and is striving hard to get up to speed with the big kids.

the dude can scootch- the dude can flip over from a lounged position to face plant... on a couch, in his bath tub, and he can babble and talk with the best of them. he thinks everything will do something if you kick it- because he has some toys that do this. and he is on the verge of sitting up (assisted of course) man this guys is a mover and shaker-- enjoy the shoot! ( all pics taken on june 23)

pondering stella's highly detailed home spun story that she was telling him

haning with his mirrored honey bee- he loves that baby in the mirror- such a funny guy!

chillin in the bumbo with his skwoosh

laughing and swinging

giving the camera the 'whats up!?'

so much livin' so little time to post

2010-06-27T08:12:00.011-04:00

stella had her second dance recital- it was the first weekend in june... the first weekend of summer... and she did amazingly!!!!

she was dragging me into the theater at 8:30am (her drop off time) for her 10am performance. she was READY for the big stage. this kid loves an audience....

this is all i got footage of because they don't let you film inside, but let me just tell you- she was the first on stage in her routine... she did her whole performance, and her tumbling. and she cannot wait to to it all again next year! i am so proud of my tiny dancer... wait what am i saying tiny- this kid was a lion on stage- my courageous lion!!!!

so onto summer. this is how we entertain ourselves these days.... they do their exercises....

my two big kids are bffs. no seriously they do EVERYTHING together. its really really nice, except for when they are arguing... but i try to capture the good. here they are enjoying a mid-day snack of homemade secret recipe chocolate chip cookies

and more scovey ducks- really if you live near us come with us to see the scovey ducks and ducklings- friendliest little buggers i swear!!!

you should know there are two sets of ducklings here- the babes and the teenagers, and several parents. can you tell the difference? the teenagers are a bit bigger than the babes, and boy are they pushy just like teenagers should be!!!!

oh the backlog

2010-06-16T22:14:00.006-04:00

let me just tell you- summer has hit me like a bitch slap. and yes i mean it with every ounce of vulgarity i can muster. i am in no way used to having all three of my children 24/7. now, that said i LOVE LOVE LOVE having them 24/7 but it certainly takes some tweaking in my parenting. and wow am i tired at the end of the day- not only am i two years older then the last time i had them all by myself everyday, there are now three of them, i now have a non-sleeping new born. you might remember that walt was laid off for most of henry's life and therefore i had backup and my cousin meag stayed with us for most of henry's life too, so i had two extra sets of responsible hands... now meag isn't here and walt works all day long. and stella and henry don't have school...
so. i have so much to share and so little time. so i'm gonna upload a bunch of pictures and try to catch up so that i can get to what i want to do which is start writing more-- and talk about what stella wants for her birthday for all of those who want to know... oi vey ... enjoy the pictures

we did a parade...

it was merin's first out of the belly hillbilly experience... he mostly slept through it

and henry's first time playing it

and we have spent some serious time with the scovey ducklings

proud mama 'stripes'

and merin chills a lot enjoying tummy time...

and my mother-in-law's 200 year old oak tree split and needed to be taken down- which of course is a spectator sport

if you can't tell this is a huge branch hanging down from the tree

and while watching the tree come down stella made lables for the strawberry jam that her and henry made for all their teacher's end of year gifts as we always make our own gifts...we aren't big on the group gift idea- pretty impersonal if you as us!

our own personal josh

2010-06-06T21:14:00.008-04:00

josh came back from the islands- and graced us with his lovely presence for a few days... here are some snaps of what we did! this kids miss him terribly- josh is a one man playground of goodness for kids- well really, walt and i quite enjoy him too- he is the picture of the definition, brother from another mother.

he convinced henry that his nebulizer was cool- henry used to wail and need to be swaddled and restrained to do his treatment- now he loves it bc he looks like a dragon while doing it "breathing smoke"

we swam

josh hung with merin when he tired of the sling

we went to a little league game

we visited our pond and went fishing and got acquainted with the scovey ducks

the scovey ducks hawked us like no other- here i am walking with the kids and the rather aggressive ducks.... we found out last weekend why they were so aggressive- 14 ducklings have since been hatched. pictures on a later blog

children's house v play

2010-06-06T20:34:00.005-04:00

one of the very talented parents from stella's class wrote a play about aesop's fables, i should probably go look at the program to get the title correct but it was something like aesop's singable fables. this lovely mom even made a cd so that the children could sing along at home or in the car- let me just tell you- we ALL know the songs now- and really, she should get it copyrighted because it was super cute. in stella's class they are age 3-6, as it is a montessori school and in children's house you are there for three years, until you enter first grade. the extended day children (5-6 yr olds) all had speaking parts and the rest of the children were the chorus. stella was a little uninspired by the white top/jeans costume as she really wanted something that sparkled or had flair- but i managed to get her a little flair with a ruffle down the front of her t-shirt.

this is stella before going to her play- she was REALLY excited

and she really enjoyed posing in our flower bed as this is her flower bed and she is quite proud of it!

lily was happy to get in the action, although he thought he was camouflage in the loriape. poor blind kitty thinks he is green.

and now for a snipit of the show- we do have the entire thing over about 8 videos... if you are so inclined to see the whole thing, shoot me a line and i'll happily forward them to you!

rollin, rollin, rollin

2010-06-02T14:56:00.005-04:00

so...this video was merin cooing his 'super big very loud' coos, (according to henry) at 5 weeks old that i forgot to share and...

this is this minute today!!!! merin is rollin!!!!he is 10 weeks, 1 day.

oak tree = not angry

2010-05-27T15:05:00.001-04:00

i grew up northern. irish. italian. catholic. if you don't know what that means i can sum it up for you in a word- angry.
no really, thanks to facebook and the constant updates, especially from people who i grew up with i get to see how negative and angry they still are.

i remember when i first moved to nc- people here are nice AND friendly- i was shocked and a little pissed off by people being nice to me. the folks who would smile and say hello as they passed on campus, ya know every morning bc it was the same people going to their classes as i was going to mine, they would say hello and i would be honestly annoyed. like 'do i know you? why are you talking to me?'

but in nj, where i grew up people didn't talk to each other- in fact, i'm realizing they pretty much glare or frown almost all the time.

anyway add to that we were raised to be prideful- of what i'm not so sure. proud to be irish? never took a thing from anyone- no skin off my back- kiss my irish ass in macy's window- but really what happened was not pride necessarily instead we all became angry. us against the world.

*right here i am going to recognize that any family members reading this are going to be angry that i am writing this. they will feel like i am trash talking and therefore disrespecting my family. and i'm not. i'm just stating a fact- we are ALL an angry bunch of people. really. pissed off at the world. always ready to fight. and darn it if we aren't going to win that fight. stubborn.

maybe it was the struggle, passed on from my great grandparents who made their own and took care of their own, no thanks to you thankyouverymuch. so they raised proud and proud to show it and heaven help who got in their way boys- and then my grandfather married my grandmother which was a little frowned upon and so he got more prideful- this is who i love and you can stick it where the sun don't shine.

and they raised me. and here i am.

now while the history is true the rest is speculative. i have no idea why they were so angry and proud or proud and angry or is there really a separation? because really being so prideful makes it an us against them situation.

and that is what i was taught- if you aren't with me you are against me, me against the world. that is what i set off to my grown up life thinking, and shamefully doing.

now- don't worry i am now a much happier, calm, less argumentative woman- and here I must mention that for those who know me, they are saying what!? you are less argumentative now!?!?!? but it is a daily struggle. i'm like stewart smalley at times. Stop laughing, seriously. now i don't get all pastel and look in the mirror for my pep talks but i do say ' i will not yell today. i will not lose my temper.' so on and so forth.

i love my family. i love my roots and my history and where i came from. but i want to be better. i want to be happier. and i think if they weren't so angry they would want that for me too. no, they do want that for me too. they just never left, never got away, never got to look back like i do now and see the change in me, 'the happy shiny southern me'

ha ha ok so now my southern friends who are reading this are laughing because they know that i am not southern or 'southern happy' by any means, but comparing selves. ( is that grammatically correct? selves? anyway...) so comparing selves, i am damn schloopy!

so back to my point...i am in this constant battle with myself to not battle the world.

and I have been reading this amazingly wonderful daily email from this motivational emailer? shall we say? and i got it. the message was right on the nail head-be an oak tree, just there just present not a part of it- separate ones self from the drama, and i want to share it with you- i am trying to be an oak tree- firm in my own standing but not against yours. you can be your own oak tree.

:: Unconditional Presence: The Oak Tree :: Imagine agreat Oak Tree. It knows where it stands, and it holds powerfully to its position. But it doesn't defend its position -- it's simply *there*. You can drive a car into the massive trunk of the Oak Tree, and the car will be smashed while the tree remains standing. It's not standing *against* you, and it doesn't take your destructive behavior personally. It just remains rooted... focused... present. Unconditionally. Now imagine that *you* are the Oak Tree... How does it feel to be so powerfully positioned? Isn't it nice to know that no one can uproot you? Would you even bother to resist? Or would you simply relax and enjoy being right where you want to be? Next time you feel "uprooted" by your child's behavior, emotions, or any other conditions, remember the unconditional presence of the Oak Tree. Stand rooted in the ground of infinite Well-Being. There is nothing to resist... All is well. http://dailygroove.net/oak-tree Feel free to forward this message to your friends! (Please include this paragraph and everything above.) Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle

smilefest

2010-05-26T21:52:00.006-04:00

so there are a bunch of pictures that i sent from my cell phone to my facebook page... really i wish i could text pictures to this blog, come on blogger figure out that one for the mom on the go?

oh and yes i know i can email them to myself from my phone- save them to my laptop- and then upload them here- but really who has that much time. ok, ok, yes i do sometimes but right now- not tonight. ( what am i doing besides sitting my fat ass on the couch? listening to henry fall asleep with daddy after his second breathing problem, and second nebulizer treatment of the day, after the puke he puked while having said second breathing problem. all the while nursing my poor swollen foot from having stepped on a damn honey bee which is absolutely ridiculous as our hive is no longer in our yard. and coming down from a day of really mad for getting picked up from school early- when i had to get there early- to pick up said sick brother since we live too far away from said school to actually go home and come back for her in the hour that was left before i would have gotten her anyway and i wasn't sitting in the parking lot with said sick brother and not to be forgotten baby brother, whining, fit throwing, not listening at all whatsoever, stella who finally went to sleep at 7pm who needed to be asleep at noon even though she has quit naps thankyouverymuch.) so be happy with this fabulous update of our lives.

anyway we had a blast and we were there, or on the way to there, from dawn till a little past dusk=we got home at midnight, we saw lots of great old friends and some of my favorite bands- starting off with daddy's and ending with keller- and man o man do i miss festivals!

but i wanted to share with you the children's moment- the one thing i did have pictures of on my actual camera- and a video. enjoy!

2 months old

2010-05-23T22:56:00.004-04:00

merin is 2 months old today, he is still chill and amazing and wonderful... we all love the heck out of him.

and he thinks i am hysterical!

merin laughs!

sneak peak...

2010-05-21T15:13:00.001-04:00

attachment family

2010-05-17T20:36:00.003-04:00

henry had to sit down...'merin is pretty heavy'

backyard bluegrass

2010-05-15T12:16:00.003-04:00

grow your own...

2010-05-10T09:22:00.005-04:00

stella loves, LOVES to write

henry 'wrote' some too

merin hard at work

in an effort to save money and protect our family from the ills of the food industry we built this vegge bed...lets hope it produces...either way it was super fun to build, lable, and work on as a family!

Happy Mothers Day

2010-05-09T12:03:00.005-04:00

look at this- they, ALL three are smiling!!! sort of

for this gift, the chance to have my life rocked daily by the little people in it i am eternally grateful.

the love in this home, in this family, that walt and i have created is amazing.

i hope and pray you all are having a wonderful mothers day- with your families however they may be made up. to the mothers who have mothered me, to the mothers i help and inspire and to the mother i hope to be to my family and to the friends i get to share this journey with. cheers!

Josh Summers!!!

2010-05-08T17:30:00.004-04:00

so for all of you out there who are going to think this post is bizarre--

josh, one of walt and my best friends left for the islands a few years back...he happened on our doorstep when we were newly pregnant with henry... and then he literally fell off the planet- well i heard that he sailed around it actually. and then we moved and became un-doorstep surprisable but he commented on here the other day looking for our email addresses. and well- i'm putting them out there for him. if you are some creepy stalker please don't email us- if you are a friend or family and don't have them- see below- anyway this is for josh- come out of hiding and email us and we can all get together soon!

just sharing

2010-05-03T10:42:00.003-04:00

this is stella on picture day for dance class... she is a jasmine in 'prince ali' she really really likes getting her hair and makeup done... the costume all be it not blue, which was hard for her to swallow is growing on her.

a soapy dog washing day hug in process... i love it when my kids love each other

loverly

2010-05-01T17:01:00.003-04:00

we are having an absolutely loverly weekend -- we went to the first music on the porch friday nite free music last night= which also meant unveiling merin to lots of friends who haven't happened by yet.

walt brought home buckets- no really buckets of strawberries -- free from work. they were lab rats and deemed trash, or free for the picking...

and so we are making jam-- lots and lots of jam

i chopped off my hair- i do this post baby, post needing a pony tail for labor- yes i think of these odd things...

oh and a birthday party with a bounce house

and we are having yummy food with friends for dinner. ( impromptu neighbors gathering)

and if i had a free hand i would have had pictures of this...

then again i did post pictures on my fb page with my cell phone of walt and the kids washing fuji this morning... so somewhere out in the blog-o-sphere are pics of my life.

one month--

2010-04-23T21:27:00.003-04:00

holy crap merin is one month old already- where does the time go? i remember getting to one month with stella, it took like three years, and then with henry it took like 4 months to get to one month, but with merin it took like 5 days. ok ok i know i sound like steve martin in 'the jerk' but really people- one month!? we have been so busy with dr appts. and taking the big kids to school and dance class and play dates and visits with friends who have lovingly been feeding us dinner... wow. no really WOW. i hope that time slows down a little bit for me soon. i want to savor this little man, and my big man henry, and my princess stella for that matter. maybe this month will be less full and we can savor it. until then- enjoy some pictures of my one month old. these were all taken today fyi.

surgery... it's a drag

2010-04-17T15:05:00.004-04:00

but it was a breeze. really. its funny though. wait no its not. i mean its scary- like mega ridiculous scary. like take me instead scary. the lead up to it is scary. the plan of how the day will go, really unimaginable. but then it happens and you are numb and you make it through- tough it out like a trooper the whole way through and the baby - really does better than any other kid in recovery. seriously. and at 2am you have a nervous breakdown that you are in the hospital and cannot sleep in the chair and your tailbone hurts from birth and your baby is hooked up to 4 tubes/monitors that beep incessantly and that you haven't really slept since the night before last bc you couldn't sleep leading up to surgery and you cry and cry and cry and your husband thinks you have become possessed. and he takes the baby and tells you to sleep on the floor on his mat and its two hours of ridiculously great sleep because you are drained and it is over. sigh.

so that thunderstorm on the horizon- it was ok- we lived. merin lived, which is most important, as you all know i was certain i had made the wrong choice and my baby, my healthy BIG bouncing baby was going to die. but he didn't- he lived and he nursed and he is ok. and on monday its our two week post-op appt. but from what i can tell things look good.

the dude didn't nurse from 4 am and happily took a bottle of pedialite till 6. happily. then he was cool with the paci till like 10:30am when they finally took him back. and i didn't hold him to remind him that he was hungry. and he just slept and hung out with daddy. happily. and duke- man o man are they good. they were awesome helping me find a place to pump. the anesthesiologists carried merin back to surgery he didn't have to lay in the crib. and all the nurses ooed and ahhed over him. and they were all so nice and fuzzy warm- every staff member we met. they brought us snacks and drinks in recovery since i am a nursing mama. they let me hold him the minute i got back there. and nurse how ever i wanted... even hold him and nurse him while i walked next to the crib during transport to our room. they let me hold him and nurse him and "co-sleep" all night. they fed me dinner. a lactation tray because i am a nursing mama. they only thing they did to quantify his intake was to ask if i felt like he was doing ok- and they had me save his diapers to be weighed. the nurse even told the shift change nurse that the crib was just the staging area and that mom and dad would be holding the baby all night. OMG how awesome is that!? and they let us go at 7am. 7am people. they let us take off his monitors in the wee hours as they were getting really annoying to merin pulling on him and obviously he was ok. they even pulled out the iv but left the hep lock way before the planned time. when he puked the one time, albeit a ridiculous one time, they offered him and i new clothes and blankets and wash rags and showers and whatever we needed. and they brought walt the aforementioned bedding- and an egg crate and pillows upon pillows and blankets for us to be comfortable. it was as luxurious as a hospital could have been. i am impressed.

and merin- he is such a good baby- i hate when people say that- but he is. he just trusted us and the staff and was really a happy little guy.

oh and my urologist- he suggested that merin just nurse through his discomfort- that he didn't need pain meds but that i could request them if i wanted.

truly a horrific and wondrous experience. not that i ever ever want to do it again- though we most likely have one more surgery on his penis area. but when he is older. and stronger. and its optional. so. the clouds have faded and hopefully after my post op visit- they will have passed. nothing but blue sky ahead!

some cutness...

2010-04-02T21:03:00.004-04:00

so merin has to have surgery on tuesday- he has perinatal testicular torsion. i'm not ready to really talk about it. not the birth defect...or anomaly... or whatever you want to call it. the diagnosis. but i'm not really ready to talk about the surgery. its up and coming- looming like a thunderstorm on the horizon... so until it passes i'm going to hunker down and squish my babes- all three of them- and for you all i'll share some cuteness!

Merin's Birth

2010-03-29T23:26:00.006-04:00

so i keep thinking i'll have some free time to sit down and write... except that with three kids um yeah, you don't! well especially when one of said kids is 6 days old and has had a few extra doctor appts because he has an insanely rare birth defect... that needs an operation... and that needed to be researched in every free moment i have had. and then of course there is the eye contact. that's what the big kids need and somehow the eye contact means more when you aren't holding a newborn. so when i actually had two hands this week i was deeply looking at and listening to and mothering my big kids. and as i lay here with my lap top on my bed merin is sleeping on my chest- in fact his toes keep grazing the "mouse" area and moving my cursor all over the place. ha ha
i am enjoying this though because i am not pregnant. woot! i have a wonderful little man. woot! and he is peacefully sleeping on my chest all full up of milk- woot!
so now to what you all have been waiting for- which i must say will not be as titillating as stella or henry's birth stories- which have i ever posted those here? maybe i will since i can copy and paste them pretty easily (yay easy blog post)
so i had had a few almost labor events... one where i had had a possible high leak- it could also have been urine... nice, i know... but i frankly think it was too much liquid to be urine. that said it didn't turn the paper blue so it was a no go. and obviously i didn't have him on that day which would have been 39 weeks.
i was checked a few times and was 3cm, then 5cm, then 6cm and babe at a -1 station which really people is almost out... and almost nightly i had lots and lots of contractions that were in no pattern and didn't lead to anything besides a sore and annoyed mama.
also there was the thursday before i had him that i was contracting about 15min apart but got distracted by um shall we say other things-that yes were extremely important and then labor stopped. or the contractions stopped what ever makes you feel good about that statement. sigh.
so on the day= the day i had merin= i laid in bed till 10am quite on purpose bc i didn't have anything to do. stella and henry were at school and i had cleared my calender fully expecting to have had a babe by then to occupy me- but i didn't have him. so i had decided that i would lay in bed until i was so hungry that i had to get up. i even thought about texting walt to bring me up breakfast so i could be lazier and not go down stairs to get it myself. that was about 10am. i got up- grumbling to myself about some very punctual friends i have that get up on their due date and their water breaks or they dutifully go into labor and why could i not be that woman who just gets up and goes into labor when she freakin wants to and then in that moment i saw stella's toys. we had just gotten out the easter decorations and along with them the easter themed toys... the easter little people, the easter bunny stuffed animals etc. and so stella had left a big pink blow up bunny that she was playing with while getting ready on my floor. this was annoying bc 1 she didn't clean up after herself and 2 i had been keeping my room clutter free in the hopes of labor coming and my laundry/kids toys not being everywhere.
so i bent down to get the bunny and felt the familiar pop... gush.... and i ran to the bathroom. sat on the ca mode for the big gush and said crap i haven't had breakfast. really i know this is just what i was grumbling about but there is no pleasing a 10 month pregnant woman.
so i grabbed a pad- and got my phone and called walt- he was in the backyard, i could hear his saw running and said 'my water broke, bring me something to eat?'
walt brought me a biscuit and some oj. which i later puked. i called my midwife and all my friends/who happen to be doulas/ who were coming. julie, jessica, and kristy. jessica couldn't get off of work but the others were on the way and my midwife said let me know when you start contracting!
so i took a shower as i hadn't showered the night before- which really should be a sign for me because each time i go into labor i haven't showered and then want to before the whole holding a brand new baby happens. so i showered. then i went to check my email and my fb and change my status to 'labor'
at my computer i was on my yoga ball and started contracting so i called my midwife again to tell her i was, in fact, contracting and i thought i should get up off this ball and go to my room so i don't have the babe in the computer room. this was 11am.
kristy got here first- she has been at all of my births and actually asked to attend this one so she could have the complete set... lol this was 11:10am
julie came next after getting her kiddos squared away. this was 11:20am and i was still wandering around my upstairs. i switched the laundry. and i said well, i hope this is quick = labor sucks- i hate labor.
i went to my room to go potty and empty out some water- as somehow i keep it in when i don't want to be gushing around the house... and immediately i felt like i had a bm coming... but i knew i didn't. so i got up and said i think i should sit down. the contractions are pretty strong. julie was doing reiki and kristy offered her tens machine and i joked about how this baby was my only one not posterior and so i actually wasn't having back labor!!!
i should have taken off my underwear before i sat down. this was 11:45am
i had a big, i mean BIG gush of water and decided that my under needed off pronto- thank god for julie and kristy doing this- bc i felt like i couldn't stand.... then i had one long big continual contraction and i was keeping one leg straight out- i remember julie saying pull your legs back you'll be more comfortable and all i said was 'i'm waiting for deb.' (my midwife)
well finally julie won. i moved my legs looking for comfort and what i had feared would happen did- merin popped out. this was 12:18pm i didn't push...well my body was pushing but i was trying to keep him in. i didn't want anything bad to happen or him to get stuck etc.
kristy was in front of me and julie at my side- they hollered for walt as he had been giving our van to a friend to go get the kids and explaining how to do it as everyone who had been able to pick them up was unavailable that morning. go figure! so walt came in the room in time to see merin stick out his hand- i looked at kristy and said i'm crowning!!!and she said no... your not. but i could tell something was out and she looked a little worried... but out popped his head with his hand, then he straightened his hand releasing his shoulder and boom was born. kristy managed a great catch- her first and merin pinked right up- he wasn't congested, no cord tangling him up, not one single problem and before my placenta was delivered my midwife was here.
it was a calm- happy- gentle birth- my one exclaim- 'julie, i'm scared,' when his head was out- and she said you are safe- you are ok. and i was. we were.
birth is amazing. i wish every woman could have a natural and supported labor like the three i have been blessed with. merin and i did great working together. and stella and henry came right in to meet him.
stella was pretty upset that she missed the main event. but she got to see the baby and me and my placenta which she was really interested in before the birth so she got over missing the crowning.
my family is complete now. we are a wonderful and beautiful happy bunch here. and are happy to share merin and his journey to the world with you all.

the night before... like i said i shoulda known...

birth minute

9lbs 13oz

meeting daddy

meeting henry

stella giving me some love

kristy

julie

deb

a proud sis ready to hold him finally- and grandmom

Merin is here

2010-03-25T09:03:00.003-04:00

so, merin was born on tuesday at 12:18pm... my labor was 5 min. seriously. no really it was about an hour... but in case you aren't on my facebook page or email lists... or in case i just plumb forgot to tell you... merin is here!!! i feel great- life is great- home birth is great- he is nursing great- and the birth story will be here soon.... to tide you over here are his stats and a picture of cute baby squishy.
Merin David Hensey
9lbs 13oz
20.5in
March 23, 2010 12:18pm
born at home (before my midwife got here!)

keepin busy

2010-03-22T20:49:00.003-04:00

this is what i do when waiting to give birth... i make stuff!!!

oh yeah and attack the crap out of my gardens and make walt make things like new and improved vegetable beds that i made him rip out last year... ahem what of it!?

and a wooden toy box to put all of our yard toys in so that fuji doesn't feel threatened by them when anxious and attack leaving us shards of balls and bats etc. because we have lots of wood leftover from the deck- re-do and i refuse to pay the $70 that those plastic deck boxes cost and that wood needed to be out out out of the back yard this instant even though it has sat there for a year...

and make walt clean things i can't like behind the washer and drier because i knew one of stella's dance leotards fell back there... turns out so did a cloth diaper and a onsie in a wet bag from when henry was about 5 months old... ick... but they both washed up well!

still waiting for mister on his own time clock.

my due date

2010-03-17T09:35:00.003-04:00

don't let this smiling picture fool you- i am quite uncomfortable.

i am 175lbs. 1lb more than i was both times i gave birth. i am 5cm dilated and when i was checked last week the babe was -1. and i'm still walking around... most people don't get to this point of um...prepared-ness? until they are actually in labor. i like to think i am actually in labor- this is how i do it. over a few weeks until the big shabang when in 4 hours or less the babe comes barreling into our life and arms.

that said i am impatiently being patient. i know that he will come in his own time. and in my body's own way. i know that i am capable of birthing this child calmly and naturally and gently into our family. but boy is it hard to hear from everyone who sees me-- when will you be induced? how can you walk around like that? what does your ob think of this? don't your dr's tell your midwife this is unsafe? oi vey! i wish americans knew and understood what natural normal pregnancy and labor looked like. i wish society was more enlightened or more supportive. and i wish that even some folks who are 'my friends' would back the heck off.

so i know- I KNOW- my ticker says i have no more days left... and i don't have any more days till my due date but i have two-three weeks to decide to have my child. i am ok with that. i am ready. i am waiting. i am fine.